It Has To Be A Full Moon...

It has to be a full moon, I thought on Friday night (and actually it was)...

Last week was a most interesting week to say the least! It was just downright surreal to be honest.

Sunday started off as a cleansing day. Because of all of the stress I've been having both personally and professionally, I had to really sit down and assess what I could deal with and what I couldn't. When it was all said and done, I decided that it was time to truly cut the cords on relationships and situations that were too dramatic and toxic. The easiest way I could do that was to get rid of my Facebook account. I still keep in touch with those friends that I have good relationships with, but for those who don't really have relationships with me, I don't have to worry much because they won't contact me, and I don't have to deal with their Facebook drama. By cleansing myself of this added stress, I was hoping that my outlook on things would be much more positive, but the effect wasn't immediate.

Monday started out not so great. I could barely sleep all night and was up half the the night in tears and having a mini panic attack about everything going on in my life. My birthday plans didn't turn out very well, although I am grateful to my brother, my sister-in-law, and a couple of my friends that took time to celebrate with me. Work was starting to really overwhelm me, and when I finally woke up that morning after like maybe two hours of sleep, I just couldn't handle coming into work, so I used a mental health day.

Tuesday and Wednesday were crammed with meetings and late nights per usual.

Thursday morning started out very interesting with a text from an old friend that I hadn't heard from in more than a year. We had parted ways to due to some pretty severe circumstances more than a year ago, yet out of nowhere, she contacted me asking for me to forgive her for what happened and wanting to know if we could be friends again and if I would like to be a part of my god children's lives again.

Considering how things ended with us, I honestly thought I would never hear from her again, so I was very much caught off-guard when she contacted me. All of my friends who have been around for the past few years know how much the dissolution of this friendship and being banned from having any contact with my godchildren affected me.  It was as if my heart had been ripped out clear through my chest, and I still hadn't really gotten over it at the point in time that she contacted me last week.

I wasn't sure how I would feel when we actually talked about things, but surprisingly all I wanted to do was reach out through the phone and hug her.  There are still a lot of hurt feelings over what happened and what was said, but under the circumstances, I understand why things went down the way they did. Surprisingly, it was easy for us to talk about stuff, even though I wasn't too sparing with how I felt about the way things occurred, although she is sympathetic to how I feel.  Our relationship is by no means 100% healed, but at least we are on the right path to getting it there, and I am happy that I have a chance to have her and the kids back in my life again.  It has most definitely been a little emptier without them.

Friday started off business as usual with work, although I was still a bit euphoric from the rekindled friendship from the day before.  It didn't take long, though, for things to get even more surreal.  After I got home from work, I decided to have a little down time to work on some things online.  While I browsing the Internet, I got a message on my AIM account that took me by complete surprise. At first, I wasn't even sure I wanted to open the message (since he was no longer on my buddy list, I had to approve the message to come through) considering who it came from. Curious, I opened it.

Very, very long story short...the guy who I dated off and on last year, you know, the one who I got pregnant by and then he basically walked away from our relationship, reached out to me and wanted to talk. Well, in his words, I suddenly popped back up on his AIM buddy list, and he could now see me to message me, but apparently hadn't been able to for months. So because I suddenly was visible to him again, he thought something had changed, and that I had recently unblocked him from seeing me online and from contacting me.  Yet, I hadn't ever blocked him in the first place.  I just simply removed him from my life in every form: email, phone, and AIM.

I was literally sitting there at my computer thinking to myself that this has to be a full moon...It is crazy that I would start my week off the way I did to end up at the end of the week regaining an old friend and the very next day having an ex that I really cared about and wanted to still be with reach out to me. So, out of curiosity, I Googled the full moon calendar, and sure enough there was a full moon starting on March 19th, the very next day.

So, that is how our conversation started with a discussion about what had changed that he could now see me to which I had no answer.  The conversation quickly progressed into small talk about what we've been up to, his business, witty banter, light flirting, us, and then would I like to come over to his new store to see the remodeling. I am not totally sure why, but despite my cautiousness toward him after what he did to me, I felt drawn to him again. I had to at least go see him, to talk with him and find out what he is like now...I am not sure it was such a great idea.

I get to his new store, and it was most definitely awkward. But as the minutes went by, something changed, and we just fell back into conversation with our normally witty banter back and forth, joking about work, our friendships, etc., and even us. After about an hour and a half of this, he finally decide to close up things for the night, and awkwardly again, I decided to leave and go home. 

I was barely home and on my computer again before he messaged me again...We continued to talk, and things just kept pulling me back in again. I caved and invited him to come over and talk more in person, which I quite enjoyed. He ended up staying the night...the details of which I will not share at this time...but in the morning I started to really regret things.

I am so confused now as to what is going on. I have so many questions I wanted answered, but I don't want to drown out things between us by just beating it to death with my questions.  At the same time, though, I feel like I am entitled to some answers, especially after the way he left things over 4 months ago. I am still really hurt and angry. I don't fully trust him, yet my heart just wants to forgive him and start again.

I have no clue what Friday night really was, and what it all means going forward.  His life is no less busy than before, which was a part of our relationship's demise previously. I just really don't know what has changed that now all of a sudden we should start seeing each other again.  We have tried to have a relationship twice before, and each time it ended disastrously, yet we both got back into things again.

I've been so lonely and missing him the past few months, that I think I let my emotions and my feelings for him overshadow my better judgment. I regret letting him back in my life so easily, especially after how badly he hurt me.  We haven't really talked about things since then, and I can't help but feel like I got taken advantage of. I'm disappointed in how I handled it, and I wish I could take it back, but I will just have to see what happens over the next day or so. 

I just can't seem to catch a break when it comes to love.  I especially have blinders on when it comes to him, and I think he knows that. When he's with me, he seems to know what to say to make me melt for him, but the moment we are apart and trying to talk about things, I can barely get him to have a serious conversation with me about us, what he wants from our relationship, if anything at all. As much as I wish that he and I could work through things, I am just worried that nothing has really changed and that he is only wanting to be with me again because he's lonely and knows how I feel about him.  I hate to feel that way, but it's so hard to not go there with our past history and with the current state of limbo everything is in with us. I guess only time will tell...but it will have to materialize one way or the other very soon. I can't let this drag out for too long. It's not fair to me and the progress I am I trying to make with improving my life.

Well, here's to another day or two of the full moon and to my 29th birthday which starts at Midnight.