What Makes a Good Friend?

"A friend is one who knows you and love you just the same."

~Elbert Hubbard 

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about friendships, both new and old. What makes a good friend? What qualities do you look for when deciding whether you should become friends with someone or even when you considering to continue your friendship?

I feel blessed that I've so many great friends over the years. I've stayed friends with most of them since the time we met, but other friendships have waxed and waned or died out altogether. A few of these were toxic friendships and definitely needed to end, but a small portion of them I really did not want to see end; however circumstances being what they were, regrettably those friendships could no longer exist without causing one or both of us considerable emotional harm.

While I have a rather large number of people I call friends, I definitely hold some closer to my heart than others. Over the last 15 years or so, these friends have seen me in some of my best and worst moments. Although some of my friends have seen me in some dark times, especially when my heart has been broken by the men I loevd,  what I think stings me even more to the core is the fact that I had friends outright betray me, abandon our friendship without really giving a reason why, take advantage of our friendship, and much worse. On each of these occasions, I would call some of my other close friends crying my eyes out over the situations not really understanding why they acting this way and wondering what I had done wrong to cause them to treat our friendship this way. 

"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may would your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."

~ Buddha

Well, after several years of dealing with these issues and coming to the realization that I can't control what others do, I finally decided that I needed to reevaluate what qualities I look for in friends and what lengths I am willing to go to in order to hold on to a friendship.  I actually stumbled upon a quote that pretty much sums it up.

"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely."

 ~ Pam Brown 

In keeping with my "Change Checklist" for this year, I am still on the path to ridding myself of toxic friendships and relationships that are still lingering or that I have been debating on keeping around.  I thought that I had accomplished this item on the checklist, but recently I have come to believe I still have some work to do before I can truly check it off the list.  Additionally, I am evaluating how good of a friend I have been to my friends and taking steps to making myself a better friend.

Qualities I Value in a Friend (and Strive to Exhibit with Mine)

• Honesty
• Loyalty
• Trustworthy
• Can count on them no matter what (especially for late night calls and bail money - if the time should come)
• Even if life gets busy, they make time to send a text, email, Facebook message or something that shows me they are still thinking about me and our friendship
• They call me out on my bullshit (when needed) and call things like they are
• Are funny and can make me laugh
• Loves me for who I am and encourages me to embrace who I am
• Celebrates in my joys and comforts me in my sorrows
• Are unique, diverse, and are not afraid to be themselves with me
• Someone I can trust with my secrets
• Supportive no matter how many mistakes I make
• Good listener and attentive

What I Won't Tolerate Anymore

• Being taken advantage of
• Breaking my trust by telling private matters to people they should not have
• Lying to me about things you have said and done about me behind my back
• Ignoring or not returning phone calls, emails, texts, and/or Facebook messages in a reasonable and timely manner (I mean we are all busy, but I work more than 60 hours every week and can still manage to send messages from time to time)
• Putting down my other friends (no matter what your reason is)

Friends cannot truly call themselves friends when they treat those they claim to care about like they are an after thought or an accessory to their life.  Yes, people grow up, get married, have kids, and have lives of their own, but I have a long list of friends who have achieved all of these and still manage to talk with me and/or get together on a fairly regular basis.

I am tired of holding on to the hurt and the anger from dealing with these so-called friendships that I don't feel are truly friendships anymore. It's time that I let them go, and by letting them go, I will also be releasing myself from these awful feelings that I know longer need to hold onto.

Maybe by releasing these friendships, they will realize what a good friend I really was to them and decide to come back and finally talk to me about why things ended up they way they did. If not, I truly believe that is their loss. I've had some friendships that ended in this way before and after some years, we reconnected.  Honestly, I feel our friendship has grown stronger in many ways because of the turns that our friendship took. I only hope that this will be the case for some of these friendships I foresee losing in the near future.

To my amazing, wonderful friends, THANK YOU! You are some of the most amazing people I know, and I am a better person for having you in my life. Life would most definitely not be the same without you. It would be dull, gray, and boring instead of exciting, full of color, and so, so bright. I love you all and wouldn't trade you for all the riches in the world.

Am I Too Picky Or Are All the Truly Great Men Gone?

My love life is seriously on life support right now...

As much as I have tried to avoid dating and dating websites, I can't help it. I am a romantic (albeit a heart-broken hopeless romantic), and I want to believe that I will find my true love to spend my life with and build a family with. While I have been in love a few times in my life, love does not come easy for me, and losing those men that I love only makes it harder to want to try again.

But try I have. I have posted profiles and ads on more websites than I care to admit, all in the name of trying to find love.  It has most definitely been an interesting experiment, and here are the results:

Result #1: Men will lie on their profiles about wanting to meet women to find "the one" just so they sleep with you and/or start a friend with benefits situation.

Result #2: It's getting more difficult to find SINGLE men on dating websites. Yes, you read it correctly...They say they are single, but after talking with them for a while, a red flag pops up and you call them on it.  Then, they say, "oh I'm separated" or "I'm unhappy in our relationship and going to leave soon." Bullshit! You are just looking to get some ass on the side...I defer back to Result #1 again.

Result #3: After weeding out a ton of crazies, jerks, unattractive men, etc. you finally find someone who makes the cut. You talk with them and set up a date. You go on that date, and they are NOTHING like what you expected. They are shorter, fatter, socially awkward, etc. DATING FAIL...and back to the drawing board again.

Result #4: Maybe once in a blue moon, I find someone who makes the cut and passes the first date test. We may go on another date or two, but inevitably I find that while we are great in theory, in practice, we do not mesh. There is no chemistry, fire, spark, whatever you want to call it. I don't find my heart fluttering or feeling nervous when I am with them like you should when you truly have an attraction with someone new.

In my life, I have only truly fallen in love 4 or 5 times, but have only really seen myself spending the rest of my life with 2 of them. Both of those relationships ended very badly despite things seeming to be great in theory and practice (at least for a while). Outside of those relationships, I have found myself floundering to find men who make me feel the way they do, and I am completely disappointed at the quality of men in this world. 

So, it got me thinking: am I too picky or are all the truly great men gone?

I don't feel like I have a ridiculous list of requirements, but upon talking to some friends, maybe I am a little too selective about the men I am dating (however every time I take their advice and try to give guys I normally wouldn't a chance, it never works out...ergo, why I am still single). 

A few years ago I put together this crazy list of requirements, an application of sorts, for a life partner.  While that list was maybe a bit over the top, I still feel that a lot of the basics are (not in any particular order):

• 27-33 years old
• Intelligent (college education preferred)
• Attractive
• Down to earth
• Quick wit
• Good sense of humor
• Extroverted (not socially awkward)
• Kind
• Caring
• Generous
• Charming
• Likes cats and dogs
• GLBT-friendly
• Liberal
• Not intimiated by a strong woman
• Loves and wants kids
• Non-smoker
• Creative or has an artsy side
• Has a good career
• Financially stable
• Family-oriented
• Has a great group of friends
• Bonus for: good at giving massages, can handle my quirkiness/fiestiness, can cook or likes take out a lot, not a heavy drinker, and can play euchre or hand and foot.  

Is this list really that picky?? I just figured a lot of these would be considered basic criteria, although there are a couple I could see being a bit selective.  But if I'm not picky when it comes to the man I might spend the rest of my life with, then when should I be picky?

Chivalry or Chauvinism?

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of women saying, "chivalry is dead."  Is it really dead or have we as women become accustomed to a different type of chivalry? What does chivalry mean these days?

These were some questions that popped into my head this weekend as I was on a date (I know, I know...). The guy who picked me up was quite a gentleman.  Instead of bringing flowers or candy, he brought treats for my cats. He opened the car door for me. When we got to the museum, he opened all the doors and even pulled out my chair for me when we grab lunch in the museum cafe.  He hung my coat up in the coat check and would even walk behind me when we toured all of the galleries. As we were leaving he even held my coat out for me to put on.

I have to admit that I was a little thrown off guard when he opened the car door for me and definitely looked shell-shocked when he pulled out my chair and helped me put on my coat.  I could tell that by my reaction he seemed a bit content that I was in a bit of a state of shock to have a guy do this for me. I think it pleased him, but at the same time it looked like he was trying to figure out if I enjoyed it or was turned off by it.

I feel bad for guy these days. I will be the first to admit that I tend to forget that many guys like to open doors for women, help them with their chairs, among other things. But with the passing of generations, some women have gotten it in their heads that they don't need to have these things done and in fact, it is an insult to them because it gives the appearance they can't do things for themselves.  I tend to forget this when I'm on dates and just walk to doors to open them without giving my date a chance to do it for me.

As a feminist, I agree that there were certain things that men used to do for women that made us feel like less than equals. They would speak for us (even though quite often we didn't agree), they would vote for us (until we won that right), they would order food for us at dinner (sometimes not what we wanted), etc. These actions overshadowed what chivalry truly was meant to be: honor, valor, and respect. And so with changes in women's rights and the ability of women to take care of themselves and their families, modern day chivalry has changed...in what little existence it still has.

On my way home from work on Tuesday, I was listening to a talk radio show that was discussing this topic, specifically whether it is chivalrous or chauvinistic to have a guy order dinner for you (not in the sense that he doesn't ask your input, but presents what you want to the waitress/waiter). So, after listening to that discussion, it got me thinking more about my date on Sunday and chivalry in general. 

Is chivalry truly dead?

If it's not, why don't we hear about it anymore?

Do women just not recognize certain gestures as being chivalrous?

Are guys afraid of showing they are chivalrous for fear of turning women off, or do they simply not know how to be chivalrous?

Deep down, I think a lot of women would like to find a man to do these things for us, not because we can't do them for ourselves, but because they are a sign of romance and respect, two things that seem to be lacking and/or disappearing in relationships nowadays.

Even as a feminist, I still would like for a man to attempt being chivalrous, although it's not an expectation. It's nice to have someone open doors for me, help me with my coat, pull out my chair, walk with his hand on the small of my back. Does this make me the "damsel in distress"? No.  Does it make me a hopeless romantic? Maybe. Does wanting these things mean I support chauvinistic behavior from men? HELL NO.

What do you think?  Is chivalry dead or have women just scared it into hiding?

Change Checklist Update - January

It's been a little over a month since I started this whole project and realized that I haven't done a change checklist assessment in a while. The last few weeks have definitely been a roller coaster with several ups and some downs, but despite all the twists and turns, I've realized a lot of things about myself which are helping me to make some much needed changes.

The "Change" Checklist

Physical Health

• Get back to my target weight for 135 lbs.
• Get back on a regular workout routine.
• Fit back into a bikini before I hit age 30.
• Start eating healthier and cut out junk food, soda, and candy. [I NEED AN INTERVENTION!]
• Learn to cook better food and eat more at home.  [IN PROGRESS - I'VE LIMITED EATING OUT TO ONLY 3 DAYS A WEEK]

Emotional Health  

• Control my emotions better and stop taking my feelings out on others. [IN PROGRESS - I'M DOING MUCH BETTER BUT VOLUNTEERS WHO AREN'T CONSIDERATE OF MY FEELINGS AND THE NEED FOR A PERSONAL LIFE DO NOT HELP THE SITUATION.]
• Learn to manage stress better. [IN PROGRESS - THE BLOG IS HELPING AND THIS PROJECT ARE HELPING]
• I really need a new job to help with this and have been fielding potential jobs and applications lately.
• Stop bottling up my feelings and talk more about what's going on in my life with those I care about. [IN PROGRESS - THE BLOG IS HELPING!]

Professional Life

• Find a HEALTHY work-life balance. If this means findins a new job then that's what I need to do. [THIS HAS BEEN IMPOSSIBLE SINCE I STARTED BACK AT WORK IN JANUARY - SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE SOON.]
• Learn to find more joy than frustration with my job.
• Take a risk and start a business venture this year. [IN PROGRESS - HAVE ALREADY OUTLINED A COUPLE PROJECT IDEAS AND WORKING ON DEVELOPING BUSINESS PLANS]

Personal Life

• Spend more time with family, especially my niece and nephew. They are growing up way to too fast, and I am missing out. [DONE - WELL I'M SPENDING TIME WITH THEM, BUT NEED TO MAKE SURE TO KEEP IT UP]
• I need to learn to appreciate my friends more and make more time for spending with them (and my family) over work. [DONE - WELL I'M SPENDING TIME WITH THEM, BUT NEED TO MAKE SURE TO KEEP IT UP]
• Get rid of toxic friendships and relationships that are bringing unwanted stress into my life. [DONE FOR NOW AND GOOD RIDDANCE!!]
• Take more ME time...pamper myself with manis/pedis every once in a while, take myself to the movies, read a good book, etc. [NEEDS MORE WORK]
• December was great, but I've had no time in January to spend on myself.   
• Find something fun that I am passionate about and make a new hobby of it.
• I really want to do something with an artistic flair. Maybe I will take up painting or drawing again
• Be open to change and new experiences.
• Try to check some things off my "Bucket List". [IN PROGRESS]
• Need to complete my bucket list...although a few items have been scratched off already.
• Stop focusing on how much time I have left to have kids. I need to trust that when I'm supposed to be a mom that it will happen.

Love Life

• Stop searching for love and let love try to find me. [NOT SURE I WANT TO FIND LOVE ANYMORE CONSIDERING RECENT CIRCUMSTANCES]
• I'm beginning to think I will never find the type of love I want...more coming soon on this in a blog post this week.
• Stop using dating websites to meet new men because they are a waste of time and the quality of men on most of them leaves something to be desired. [IN PROGRESS - WENT BACK TO ONE WEBSITE AND HAVE MET A COUPLE GUYS, BUT ONCE AGAIN VERY DISAPPOINTED.]
• Stop letting men, sex, and love (or lack thereof) define my life. [GOING TO NEED SOME WORK]
• Learn to truly trust and open my heart to whatever may come my way. [FEELING LIKE THIS IS REALLY TOUGH RIGHT NOW]

My First Great Epiphany of the Year

Thursday was a great day in many respects professionally, but the key moment of the day was watching the Terre Haute City Council voted unanimously in favor of a comprehensive smoke-free workplaces law (even though it won't take effect until July 1, 2012). Although there are some reservations about the context in which this ordinance came about and the fact that it won't take immediate effect, it is still a celebration on many levels. And to consider that the process to get to this vote happened in just a matter of a few months is nothing short of a miracle!

After sitting through Thursday's meeting and contemplating the work that went into everything, an idea came to me: What if I were to create a non-profit business that helps other non-profits coordinate advocacy and issue campaigns? Sounds like something I would be great at, right?

So many non-profits have great issue campaigns or projects they want to work on, but no money to hire people to help them. In many of these cases, they apply for grants to hire temporary workers for anywhere from 3 months to a year until their projects are complete. Most of the time, they are able to accomplish what they want, but usually it's done on a sliding learning curve. They have to train people on their organization, their mission, etc., and precious time they could be working on their campaign or project is wasted.

Organizations will continue to do this process every time needs like these pop up instead of hiring full-time workers because their funding can't sustain additional employees. While many smaller organizations can't help but operate in this way due to financial restraints, operating in such a manner is not efficient and in fact, is somewhat wasteful of the grants they receive. As someone who has worked in the non-profit field for more than 10 years and has been involved with multiple different organizations over that time period, I have seen first-hand how projects like these have been conducted, some successful and others not.

What I would like to do is set up a business, a consulting firm of sorts, that would come in and offer campaign coordination training, help to set up and run/monitor their campaigns, and help organizations learn how to recruit, train, and maximize their volunteer resources. Although I know there are some organizations our there now that offer programs to non-profits in these areas, my business would stand out simply for the fact that I would be offering these services for FREE. I would pay for my salary and operating expenses through government and private grants.

While I know there may be some drawbacks to this new venture, I think it is something worth investigating and pursuing. 

PROS

• Doing something I love.
• Helping a lot of organizations that otherwise would not be able to implement their projects/campaigns.
• Have more control over the hours I work and the travel I do.
• Be my own boss.
• I could do the work of multiple temporary workers with my experience and ability to conduct more than one campaign at a time; therefore I would be helping to save grant money that could be provided to another group that may be in more need of it.
• Owning my own business means I would have more free time to spend with family and friends and working on personal edification.

CONS

• Owning your own business makes it tough to get health insurance.
• There is always a risk that I may not be able to sustain my funding and will need to seek additional funding.
• Depending on where my clients are located, I may have to do more travel than I want to do.

Any thoughts?

Pettiness, Drama Queens, and Bitches, Oh My...

Is it a requirement that certain people, especially women, have to devote a specific amount of their daily lives to being petty and causing drama in the lives of others? 

Lately, it just seems like I am surrounded by people, a few women I know and/or work with in particular, who make it their daily mission to pick apart every little thing people say (or what they imagine people say) and twist it into something ugly solely for the purpose of their amusement. They are so petty that if you say something they don't agree with or challenge them in any way, they take it so personally and set out on a vendetta to make your life miserable. Is this really necessary? I mean really...grow up people.

I know we all have days where we get our noses tweaked a bit and might come home and tell our loved ones how bad our days were, but I bet most of us would never drag out those bad feelings into a continuous series of drama-filled attempts to ruin another person's day and/or career.  As if my job is not difficult enough with the hours I work and the amount of time I travel, the last thing I need is people who dislike me (whatever their reason may be) making up stuff about what I said and spreading rumors to fellow employees about those supposed comments.

What do people gain from this? It seems like a lot of work to make up stories and try to keep the details of these stories straight. I don't know about you, but I get exhausted just thinking about the effort it would take to keep up that level of drama.

I really don't think it has anything to do with me being in an office full of women because I have a lot of great women that I am friends with and hang out with on a regular basis.  I just don't get why they behave like this. It is completely immature, unprofessional, and a disgusting quality.

And it is not unique to these particular women at my office. I have seen it in other social circles. These people (not all women) are so nice to everyone in public, but when they aren't around certain people, they become their evil twins and talk about these people like they were inhuman.

When are people going to learn that there is more to life than constantly putting others down to boost yourself up? When are they going to learn that if they spent half the time they spend being petty and causing drama on more productive or worthwhile things, they would see their lives in a whole new perspective?

In case you can't tell, I have reached my limit for dealing with pettiness, drama queens, and bitches who seek to ruin others' lives. I want to be the one who turns the other cheek, and I usually do, but I can't be held responsible for what I might say/do to the next person who choose to act in this unsavory manner...

Grow up people! Stop treating others like they are the gum you stepped in!

If you don't, I might be the one outing you to everyone you are talking bad about, and let's face it, many of you are not above reproach. Many people hold me in high respect, and my words are usually taken pretty seriously. Heed my advice...and no, this isn't a threat. It's a promise.

Maybe Marilyn Was On To Something...

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far."

~Marilyn Monroe

When a relationship ends, it's almost never ends on good terms. Someone is always the dumper and someone is the dumpee. Usually, there are some tears and negotiating that goes on trying to salvage their relationship, but more often than not, when it's over, it's over. But the designated end of a relationship isn't always truly the end of things. Often, one or both of the partners feels a deep sadness and even grief for periods of time.

At what point should one move on? What is considered a good period of time to grieve? What if you can't or aren't able to fully move on? What does that mean for future relationships?

Even when you do move on with your life, you will always carry a part of every relationship, every heartbreak, every good moment, every setback with you. There is a point where you move on with your life, but the experiences you have been through will impact how you live and the new relationships that you build.

Trying not to let these past experiences exert too much power on future relationships is quite often easier to said than done. I know this is the case for me. As much I have tried to move forward and open myself to someone else, I constantly find myself thinking of past relationships, one in particular, and comparing any future love interest to him.  For this, I have paid a hefty price. One of loneliness because I have not truly allowed myself to completely let go.

I guess I have always seen this relationship as my 98% - a relationship of two true soul mates. You only get a chance like that once in a lifetime, and any relationship I've had since then (both friend with benefits or actual dating relationship) hasn't held a candle to it. One, my most recent one, definitely had potential and was what I referred to as "the next best thing," but who really wants the next best thing?

Although I have spent a better part of the last few years alone, not engaging in any relationship or failing at the ones I did engage in, I am beginning to wonder if Marilyn Monroe was really onto something with her quote above.  I mean neither option sounds great, but considering that I've not truly found a relationship that I've been happy with in more than four years, maybe being alone is my only option at this point.

As much I feel I have moved on when it comes to relationships, trying to start new relationships and then watching one after another fail is telling me that maybe I should stop trying.  Everyone else around me keeps saying that I should "move on" and start dating again despite knowing that I'm really not ready to do it and honestly have probably never been ready in the last four years. Yet in doing so, I have only put myself into situations that have created more heartache and hurt feelings for me to grieve over and deal with, and I will always have to live with that regret.

I guess for once in my life I need to start learning to say no. So here I go.

No, I do not want your cheeky advice on how things get better with time. Maybe that works for some people, but obviously, after four years that has not worked out so great for me. I've done the not dating and being celibate route. I've done the friends with benefits and just having fun route. I've even ventured back into dating, and still it has ended up the same. At what point do you finally say enough?

No, I do not need your criticism for not dating or upholding your traditional values about relationships. I've done everything possible to be the best friend, girlfriend, partner, confidant, lover, listener, and so much more. Yet, despite giving all of myself and turning my life inside out, it still ended up not being enough to make a relationship between two soul mates last (or any other relationship since then).

No, I am not some drama queen looking for attention. If I could make up half the shit I've been through, I'd be writing it up as a novel and making millions. My life is one big soap opera, and I would trade it for a much more boring one in a heartbeat if I could. I've spent many hours wondering what it would be like to just cash out my bank accounts, hop in my car, start driving, and start over.

No, I have not lost my mind. I'm thinking more clearly than I believe I have in a long time. I love everyone who has expressed concern, but in the words of my vajayjay doctor "don't ever mess with a woman who knows her own body."  Well, I know my body and my mind, and what they are both saying to me is that as much as I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with and build a family with, I am done looking. Prince Charming is going to have to chase me down, sit on top of me, and make me fall in love with him for that to happen, and with the hours I work and my lack of social life, there is a greater chance that I will win the lottery than that.

Maybe I will end up being alone with my two cats for the rest of my life. I guess that's a risk I have to take. I won't end up being a celibate nun that's for sure, but what my life holds in terms of relationships is pretty murky right now. I hope that I can some day have a child (or even children), but the odds are that I will end up being a single mom doing it on my own, and I guess that if it boils down to being a single mom or not a mom at all, I choose the former.

I know I have brought these subjects up a time or two before, but I think it's about time that I start to actually put it in action and not go back on what I say. It's not easy being alone, and there are times the loneliness starts to take over and a bit desperation seeps in, but I know I can do better and I have to do better from now on. 

I'm sure I will struggle and falter again in the future, but what can I say? I'm human.

Sick of the New Year Already?

What is it about starting a new year that automatically makes EVERYONE sick?

Sunday night as I was desperately trying to fall asleep, I checked in on my Facebook friends and noticed status update after update saying how sick they felt, that they were coming down with a bug, etc. Jokingly I made a comment on a few of them calling it the "New Year flu". I mean who doesn't want a couple extra days to recoup before having to start work again? I know I did.

As the week as progressed, it just seemed like the status updates continued. I even "caught it" this week. I have been feeling extremely run down and tired the entire week. Although I know that my week started off with lack of sleep, etc., I have more than made up for it the rest of the week. For the last three days, I have gone to work and come home so exhausted that I passed out immediately and crashed for several hour long naps. I am the QUEEN of napping. :)

Why is it that people become so sick at the beginning of the year in epidemic proportions?  Is it all in our heads or are we really sick?

Why aren't we sick over the holidays or when we are on our holiday vacation? Convenient, huh?

I know some people say, well, you are around lots of people over the holidays and pick up their germs, etc. Well, not sure I totally buy that. I was only at two Christmas events, and I wasn't around a ton of people. I met with friends over break, not in crazy large groups, and most of the ones I actually hung out with aren't the ones who are complaining about being sick. So, why do I feel so crummy?

Whatever the reason is that I am not feeling well, all I have to say is thank goodness it's Friday, and I have the weekend to recover!

I've missed not blogging the last couple of days, but honestly I've barely had the strength to lift my eyelids long enough to write out the many thoughts that have been going through my head. I do have a couple of great blog concepts to hash out this weekend, so maybe you will get several treats to read soon.

Terrible Tuesday

Monday as you read started out how I figured it would (a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess), and today didn't fare much better.

Per last night's post, my sleep was crap on Sunday and carried into yesterday.  Well, once again, the previous night's sleep has turned today's sleep into a train wreck. After my long nap, I couldn't get back to sleep, and then I fell asleep and could barely wake up this morning. I overslept, and my day has been off ever since.

Every hour that went by I felt more and more behind (which is how I usually feel at my job).  I worked from home for a little bit this morning and then felt a sense of urgency to get into the office to work on a few projects. With each hour that passed, I began to feel a little more anxious about getting things accomplished, but on my drive into work, something shifted.

Shifted. Changed. Flipped. Broke.

I am not sure what happened or why at that moment it happened, but all of a sudden I felt calm. I told myself to stop worrying about getting to the office. I would get there when I got there. I no longer was going to let the demands of this job upset me. At once, I was both relieved and disappointed. Why is that?

This feeling felt so familiar. It's something that is unmistakable. It is exactly what happened to me when my whole world came crashing down on me when both of my exes left me and broke my heart.  When my heart broke, I consumed my whole life with trying to figure out what I did wrong, clamoring for any hope that I might be able to repair our relationship because I wasn't ready to let it go. And when I finally realized how utterly heart-broken, betrayed, and hurt I was because of the way they treated me after all I gave to that relationship, something shifted. I was no longer hurt and angry, I was pissed mixed in with a little apathetic and just overall DONE!

I have finally hit rock bottom with my work relationship. I will still do what I need to do for my job because I am not a quitter and can never feel good about not at least giving 110% to my work, but I am no longer going to be living my life to work. I am done with this relationship, and I plan to break up with it when the time is right. My heart is not in it anymore.

Wednesday needs to be better because I do not want to have to title tomorrow's blog: Worse Wednesday. Lol.

Manic Mondays

Today was my first day back to work after my long and much-needed vacation. As expected, I started to get panicky last night and couldn't sleep because I really did not want to return today. I know a lot of people dread the start of the work week, but why do I let it get to me?

Because I couldn't sleep I stayed up late last night doing everything but sleeping. I ate snacks, played computer games on GSN.com, watched movies, and cuddled with the cats on the couch. I sat there thinking about everything I knew I had to do today, and I just got more and more overwhelmed.

Although today was not a bad day at work and actually went by really quickly, I could tell that I just wasn't myself. I felt detached and robotic, and realizing this only made me more sure that I need to find a new career path.  When you've reached the point that you no longer find joy in what you do for a living, it's time to move on to something that you do enjoy (or a least that's what everyone keeps telling me).

Even on my first day, I couldn't get out of the office at 5pm, although I was only there until 5:30pm. I then stopped at Panera to get bagels and soup for dinner. I came home, ate, and was so exhausted that I didn't even have the energy to put the dishes in the sink before I fell fast asleep on the couch. Damn kittens! They make me sleepy like the Sandman.

Basically, my Monday was a waste, and now I am watching my DVR'd shows and trying to search for jobs. Yay for Manic Mondays!

NYE Confessions

I know that New Year's Eve is traditionally a night to celebrate the end of another year with your friends, family and is often a night of drunkenness and debauchery. Well, last night was no exception!

2010 made it onto my list of the top 5 worst years in my short 28-year lifespan, so I was very excited to celebrate its end. And my friends (some old and some new) and I did it in style! We got a hotel downtown and got tickets to one of the newest, happening bars in the area. We dressed to impress and were five beautiful, sexy ladies ready to celebrate.

The night started out great. We went to the bar, had some snacks from the appetizer buffet, and started out with a couple drinks while taking in the AMAZING view that was our yummy bartender, Steve. He kept the drinks stronger and flowing, and we loved him for it!  That's where my evil twin decided to make her appearance and took over my body for the rest of the night (damn her!).

My Evil Twin NYE Confessions:

1. Mixing shots of tequila and Cape Cods is NOT a good combination.
2. Never eat spicy or food heavy with sauce before a long night of drinking.
3. I should have stuck with my "gut feeling" and not gone with the well vodka. Ugh. I never get hungover with Goose.
4. I let my emotions from this whole year catch up to me, and my evil twin decided to basically drink them away.
5. I cried in a bar. Yes, I was that girl.
6. Apparently, my evil twin demanded photos be taken in my lovely state which I was not aware of until AFTER I downloaded them.
7. I fell at some point during the night (no idea when/where for sure), but I busted up my knee a bit. I was so hungover that I didn't even notice it until I changed clothes this morning. Surprise!


8. Apparently, it is possible to puke for over an hour and a half straight because I did it.
9. I camped out in the hotel bathroom almost the entire night. So not fun...

Lessons from NYE:

1. I have some really great friends!
2. I do not need to drink for a VERY long time. And by the next time I do drink, I will have forgotten about this night, so my evil twin will probably be wanting to visit again.
3. Karma has a way of catching up to you when you least expect it. Thank goodness I had great friends to help take care of me last night. Times like those I remember why I don't mind being the DD.
4. Blue Powerade does not help settle your stomach after a long night of puking.
5. Chinese food, especially egg drop soup, is great for a post-hangover meal.
6. There is nothing like laying in bed, vegging out watching Lifetime Movie Network Movies and eating Chinese to help you forget about a rough NYE night.
7. 2010 was so sucky right up to the very end (short of the great time with the girls) that I know 2011 will be a much better year!

Any NYE confessions you want to share? Comment below and make sure to add pictures!