"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far."
~Marilyn Monroe
When a relationship ends, it's almost never ends on good terms. Someone is always the dumper and someone is the dumpee. Usually, there are some tears and negotiating that goes on trying to salvage their relationship, but more often than not, when it's over, it's over. But the designated end of a relationship isn't always truly the end of things. Often, one or both of the partners feels a deep sadness and even grief for periods of time.
At what point should one move on? What is considered a good period of time to grieve? What if you can't or aren't able to fully move on? What does that mean for future relationships?
Even when you do move on with your life, you will always carry a part of every relationship, every heartbreak, every good moment, every setback with you. There is a point where you move on with your life, but the experiences you have been through will impact how you live and the new relationships that you build.
Trying not to let these past experiences exert too much power on future relationships is quite often easier to said than done. I know this is the case for me. As much I have tried to move forward and open myself to someone else, I constantly find myself thinking of past relationships, one in particular, and comparing any future love interest to him. For this, I have paid a hefty price. One of loneliness because I have not truly allowed myself to completely let go.
I guess I have always seen this relationship as my 98% - a relationship of two true soul mates. You only get a chance like that once in a lifetime, and any relationship I've had since then (both friend with benefits or actual dating relationship) hasn't held a candle to it. One, my most recent one, definitely had potential and was what I referred to as "the next best thing," but who really wants the next best thing?
Although I have spent a better part of the last few years alone, not engaging in any relationship or failing at the ones I did engage in, I am beginning to wonder if Marilyn Monroe was really onto something with her quote above. I mean neither option sounds great, but considering that I've not truly found a relationship that I've been happy with in more than four years, maybe being alone is my only option at this point.
As much I feel I have moved on when it comes to relationships, trying to start new relationships and then watching one after another fail is telling me that maybe I should stop trying. Everyone else around me keeps saying that I should "move on" and start dating again despite knowing that I'm really not ready to do it and honestly have probably never been ready in the last four years. Yet in doing so, I have only put myself into situations that have created more heartache and hurt feelings for me to grieve over and deal with, and I will always have to live with that regret.
I guess for once in my life I need to start learning to say no. So here I go.
No, I do not want your cheeky advice on how things get better with time. Maybe that works for some people, but obviously, after four years that has not worked out so great for me. I've done the not dating and being celibate route. I've done the friends with benefits and just having fun route. I've even ventured back into dating, and still it has ended up the same. At what point do you finally say enough?
No, I do not need your criticism for not dating or upholding your traditional values about relationships. I've done everything possible to be the best friend, girlfriend, partner, confidant, lover, listener, and so much more. Yet, despite giving all of myself and turning my life inside out, it still ended up not being enough to make a relationship between two soul mates last (or any other relationship since then).
No, I am not some drama queen looking for attention. If I could make up half the shit I've been through, I'd be writing it up as a novel and making millions. My life is one big soap opera, and I would trade it for a much more boring one in a heartbeat if I could. I've spent many hours wondering what it would be like to just cash out my bank accounts, hop in my car, start driving, and start over.
No, I have not lost my mind. I'm thinking more clearly than I believe I have in a long time. I love everyone who has expressed concern, but in the words of my vajayjay doctor "don't ever mess with a woman who knows her own body." Well, I know my body and my mind, and what they are both saying to me is that as much as I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with and build a family with, I am done looking. Prince Charming is going to have to chase me down, sit on top of me, and make me fall in love with him for that to happen, and with the hours I work and my lack of social life, there is a greater chance that I will win the lottery than that.
Maybe I will end up being alone with my two cats for the rest of my life. I guess that's a risk I have to take. I won't end up being a celibate nun that's for sure, but what my life holds in terms of relationships is pretty murky right now. I hope that I can some day have a child (or even children), but the odds are that I will end up being a single mom doing it on my own, and I guess that if it boils down to being a single mom or not a mom at all, I choose the former.
I know I have brought these subjects up a time or two before, but I think it's about time that I start to actually put it in action and not go back on what I say. It's not easy being alone, and there are times the loneliness starts to take over and a bit desperation seeps in, but I know I can do better and I have to do better from now on.
I'm sure I will struggle and falter again in the future, but what can I say? I'm human.
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