Pondering the likelihood of Celiac Disease

Over the past few months, I have noticed that I have been feeling more tired and less myself.  For those who know me I have struggled with many health issues over the years, but it seemed like I was on a turning point where at least things had become manageable. I had gotten off most of medications, was able to control many of my symptoms through changing my diet, and have worked to try to relieve stress in my life.

On any given day, I deal with chronic pain from my fibromyalgia, heart arrhythmia issues, and circulation issues that cause me to fluctuate between being severely cold or having hot flashes.  Definitely over the last couple of years, but especially the past 3-4 months, I have noticed that my energy level has dropped dramatically, I've had a hard time losing weight despite a decreased appetite, I feel completely fatigued no matter how much sleep I get, and have been having a lot of digestive issues.

After months of tests, new medications, and speculation, my doctor has narrowed things down to me having IBS or Celiac Disease.   For those that don't know about Celiac, here is a great website with lots of information: http://www.celiac.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=6&Itemid=25.  While I don't want either diagnosis to be true, I have to admit that I am ready for my doctor to figure out what is wrong with me so I can treat it and get back to a healthier life.

While researching Celiac Disease, I have to admit that I have been presenting with many of the symptoms that are commonly found in people with this disease.  My vitamin K deficiency that my doctor has been treating me for since July is definitely one of them.  Additionally, people with other autoimmune diseases like fibromyalgia and Raynaud's, both of which I have suffered from for years, are more likely to develop Celiac in their lifetime.  So, while I don't like to always self-diagnose, it's really hard to deny the possibility that I may very well be suffering from this disease.

Sadly, the scary part is not the fact that I may have Celiac Disease; it's the fact that if do have it, my lifestyle as I know it will have to change dramatically.  People with Celiac Disease have to go on strict gluten free diets, and anyone who knows me well can tell you that will be a tough adjustment for me since I love Italian food, my whole wheat bread, and I love to bake.

In the past, I have used the Atkins diet to lose weight, and I was extremely successful both times.  I felt great on that diet and would lose like 5lbs a week. So, it does make sense that I could be suffering from Celiac Disease considering my past history with the Atkins diet meal plan.  Part of the reason I didn't last on Atkins, though, was the fact that I missed whole wheat bread and being able to have Italian food.

If I do have this disease, I will have no choice but to go on a gluten-free diet.  To not do so will only continue to jeopardize my health even further, but it is a scary thought right now. I want to get healthier and lose weight so I can feel normal again (well, normal for me), but having to make such and adjustment is going to really difficult.

Does anyone have any advice?  Are you on a gluten-free diet (maybe for food allergies) or know someone who is? I would really like to hear how they manage.  I know there are lots of new gluten-free products out there, but are they really that great tasting?  How do you deal with eating out at restaurants or other people's homes?

What is the price of companionship?

Like many things in my life, including blogging, I have taken a hiatus on dating until recently.  After more than 18 months of trying to dip my feet in the dating pool, I just felt like I was finding all the wrong men and wasting my time.  So, I decided to take a 6-month hiatus and focus on my career, planning for law school, and trying to decrease the level of drama in my life.

That seemed to work...at least for a while.

Within the last month, my career has changed and my law school applications are coming along.  With so many great changes happening in my life, I thought maybe it was time to start dating again.  I decided to reactivate some of my online dating website accounts and have been looking for other possible dating outlets.

In just these last two weeks, I've had dozens of men contact me, mostly on one dating website, who say they are looking for someone to date, yet within the first or second conversation bring up sex.  WTH?? Really?

I know that I am no angel and definitely have been one to play around in the past, but what on earth gives these guys the idea that I want nothing but sex?  Why put yourself up on a dating website saying you are looking for someone to date and/or have a relationship with, but yet that's not what you are really looking for?  I mean if all you want is a hook-up, use Craig's List or Plenty of Fish like most people do.

I just don't get it...What is it about my profile and/or my profile pictures that is suggesting to these men that I am a sex object? I am completely baffled at their behavior.

Because of all of this craziness, I resorted to even digging into past encounters with guys I've been with over the last couple of years, and this is what I found out:

• I'm too "strong".
• Strength can bee seen as a weakness. 
• I'm too open. 
• I'm sweet, but that's overshadowed by my "strength". 

Basically, my personality is why I am having trouble finding men who want to date.  Apparently, they want strong women in the bedroom, but not as their partner.  What I am still not sure about is how men are figuring this out from a profile and maybe a couple photos....

So, after assessing what I've been told, I have come to a couple conclusions:

1. I can stay true to who I am and what I want and risk being alone for the rest of my life.
2. I can cave and pretend to be someone I'm not and maybe find a man who can see me as someone he wants to spend his life with (albeit our relationship would be based on a lie). 
3. I can move to a new part of the country or the world and hope that I can meet someone else while simultaneously throwing away my career and possibly my law school prospects (although maybe going out of state for law school could kill two birds with one stone). 
4. I can compromise my principles about what I want in a relationship and find a nice guy that  I can spend time with now and bide my time until/if someone else comes along that I think might be relationship material. 

I have no idea what the right answer is at this point anymore.  All I know is that I have basically been doing the same thing off and on for about two years, and I feel like I've made very little progress, if any.  In fact, I feel like I have slid back a bit in my dating life.

I am just tired of being lonely and not having someone to spend time with.  It would be nice to have someone to go out with, take to events, cuddle up with, and yes, spend some quality night time with.  I guess it begs the question: at what point do you compromise your principles for the sake of companionship?  And if you do compromise, what is the cost to your emotional and mental states?

Memories...Oh the memories!

It's funny how you sometimes forget great moments in your life until you are reminded of them as you organize your life.  Since graduating high school, I have been to two colleges, moved nine times, stored items at Mom and Dad's over the years, purged several times during moves, and yet I still find myself facing boxes of my past that I have no idea what to do with.

What are you supposed to do with boxes of old photos, gifts, and miscellaneous items that have been a part of your life in one way or another? At what point do you decide that you no longer keep these items? Why is it so sad and heartbreaking to put these items in the trash knowing I will never see them again, yet they have been stored in boxes at least two years or more without me seeing them?

I guess life is funny like that.  Deep down you know you've done some amazing things, had nights with friends that you will never forget, and had relationships with people you truly cared about and shaped the person you are today, but yet there is still a part of you that gets nostalgic at the mere sight of these objects.

This past weekend I put together bookshelves, started to organize and clean out the bedrooms, and began the process of unpacking the final boxes from my garage in anticipation of my friend moving in soon. While I had another great friend helping me out with some of the "heavy lifting," there are just some things that I had to do myself, the least of which includes going through boxes of old photos and mementos I've held onto throughout my life.

Certain items like 4-H ribbons and academic awards and trophies from high school are things I've now realized I don't need to hold onto anymore. I know I excelled at these things, and I don't need these items cluttering up my house to tell me how successful I was. Just knowing I accomplished these awards is enough for me. Not to mention, how would I hold onto them? Keep them in a box for eternity or make an award wall (which is tacky)?

Other items like photos from high school dances and those capturing the almost six years I was with my ex fiance are harder to let go of.  When I think about the fact that these photos captured really happy times during my life, I don't want to let them go.  But at the same time, some of these photos also  represent painful, bittersweet memories because they show friendships and relationships that I no longer have, but wish I did.  I've tried over the years to get rid of them but haven't been able to bring myself to do it, and honestly, I am not sure I'm ready to do so now.

It's now been two days since I started the whole process, and I still have at least half a dozen boxes that I have finished unpacking, my living is temporarily a hot mess, and I have a stack of photos and mementos that I can't decide what to do with.  Why is this so difficult?

I know eventually I will have to get rid of much of what I have still left in boxes, but I think for the time being, some of it will stay.  It's just not time for some them to take a ride on the Waste Management truck yet...

When Will People Get Their Priorities Straight?

As much as I love a good discussion/debate, I have to admit that I am a bit saddened at the mere fact that I even have to write this blog. Maybe some of you won't agree with me, and that's all well and good, but after everything I've been hearing and reading the last couple of weeks, I felt it was time to speak up and say something.

All I see/hear much any more on the news, my friends' Facebook posts, and even in conversation at work are complaints about how awful our government is, how crappy our educational system has gotten, how outraged everyone is at the verdict in the Casey Anthony trial, etc. Complaints...that's it. No words of encouragement...no plausible solutions.

People just seem content to talk about how bad things have gotten or how they would have done it differently, but yet I rarely see anyone do anything more than talk. Not to mention, a lot of discussion around these topics (and many others) is regurgitated political rhetoric at best.  I will be the first to admit that there are people on both sides of the proverbial "aisle" who do nothing but spout the party line and post and re-post items that are just political soundbites. But I know we can do better than this...I have to believe we can.

Not to totally rehash a previous post (March 1st - "The Real Reasons Our Society is Falling Apart"), but I feel that several main premises need to be restated:

1. Everyone is so willing to complain, but few are willing to offer solutions. 
2. Until an issue affects someone directly, few are willing to fight for it even if it's important. [The exception to this rule occurs in cases where my additional premise #1 (below) applies.]
3. Hate is too often replacing love as a family value. 
4. People are getting caught up with the short-term that they completely overlook the long-term effects. 

To these I would add:

1. Media sensationalism has caused people to lose all sense of propriety and common sense. 
2. Our country has lost its sense of community and what it means to be a part of one. 

Why have we as a society become so engrossed in what the national and international media outlets deem as worthy news? Yes, we do need to rely on outside sources to help us stay connected in many senses with what's going on around the world, but too many of these outlets have veered toward sensationalism instead of responsible journalism.  A perfect case would be the Casey Anthony trial.

By no means do I want to belittle the death of an innocent two-year old girl or downplay the tragedy that her family and that community has suffered as a result of her death and the trial (and subsequent acquittal) of her mother as her murderer.  But why is THIS story so compelling that people have flown in around from all parts of the country to visit the site of where Caylee's body was found, have stood in line for days to get a "ticket" for a seat in the courtroom, and have literally caused people to be so outraged that they blast on their Facebook profiles for days about the verdict like it their child or someone close to them who was killed??? 

To me, this is pure insanity. It is one child who unfortunately had her life cut so tragically short. But is is ONE child. It is ONE story. Where is the moral and public outrage for the THOUSANDS of children that go missing or are killed in this country every year? Why aren't their stories given the same amount of attention? 

What about the senseless murders of adults that occur on a daily basis? What about my classmate's brother who was murdered just last week and left behind two young sons? Are the people of Florida, California, Tennessee, Maine, etc. going to come here and visit the site where his body was found? Are they going to sit in court every day to make sure that his killers are tried and convicted? I feel safe to say that they won't.  People in his hometown aren't even giving his tragic story the attention it deserves. I just don't get it...

Where are everyone's priorities? What happened to us as a community uplifting everyone and being there to comfort each other in times of need? When did something like a tragic death become a box office production complete with tickets to the front row?  It is sick, and the people who feed into it need help. 

Furthermore, when did we as a society start taking pleasure in watching and pursuing the misery of others? I know we are all guilty at one point in time of wishing bad karma on people who have done us wrong. I will be the first to admit I have felt that way before, even here recently. I think it's natural to feel that way from time to time, but the level at which our media and many groups in our society have taken it is unhealthy. 

In the end, what does all of this accomplish? NOTHING. In the end, this poor child is dead, her family is wrecked beyond belief, and in six months these people who have dedicated their "lives" to this story and the cause will have moved on to the next big headline until Barbara Walters or Katie Couric does a story looking back at the life and trial of Casey Anthony or until the Lifetime Movie Network creates a "based on a true story" movie about the entire situation like they've done every other major headline and trial for the couple of decades.

Instead of pouring your hearts and souls into expressing your moral outrage through your blog posts, Facebook updates, calling into TV and radio shows, and creating events like "porch lights for Caylee", why don't you actually try doing something productive that will help a child now or make things better down the road for future children?  Examples could include working with your state legislature to create tougher laws against child abusers and wife beaters, helping to mentor at-risk youth to show them good role models to aspire to be like, volunteer at a domestic violence shelter, volunteer to be a CASA advocate, join your neighborhood watch to help create safer neighborhoods, help work with authorities to stop child trafficking and find missing children/teens/at risk adults, etc.  Unfortunately, the opportunities are endless, yet so greatly needed. 

Besides trying to raise awareness of this situation, what am I doing?  Well, for starters, I have donated to many organizations who work to better the lives of at risk women and children. I have also worked with legislators to improve laws protecting people from abuse and increasing punishment for the abusers. On a personal note, I have worked for years to help a dear friend and her children out of a very tough situation and will continue to do so as long as it takes for them to be safe and have healthy, happy lives.  Finally, I am going back to law school to get a degree that will help me to assist more people in need of protection and a hand up. I want to be the type of lawyer who protects those without a voice. Maybe one day I can work for UNICEF or the UN to help women, children, and communities worldwide, but for now, I want to make a difference in my community and help as many as I can here.  

It's time for us to stop talking about making a difference and do it. I challenge each of you to do one thing this year that will make a real difference in the life or lives of those in need.

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." ~ Mohandas Gandhi

The Pap Smear Ninja!

For those of you who have been following my ever so "glamorous" life, you know that I have been battling cervical dysplagia for more than 7 years.  Over the last 5 years, I have been in and out of the doctor's office getting pap smears every 4-6 months and colposcopies at least once a year if not more. Needless to say, my vajayjay has been less than pleased with how she has been treated over that time.

As blogged about in recent posts, this year marked my 29th birthday and therefore adventure into "true womanhood".  Since my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 39 and with our family's terrible history with all things cancer, especially breast cancer, I have been bracing myself for years that I would be getting my first mammogram the year I turned 29.

On Friday, the day I had been dreading finally arrived. Not only did I have to get my first mammogram, but I also had to get a follow-up pap smear since my test and biopsy in December came back semi-bad, at least bad enough to warrant a repeat pap again in 6 months.

Of course, I always dread the pap appointments, but that day brought extra anxiety.  I had to get a mammogram (which every woman I've ever heard of has said it's the worst thing ever) AND I had to "break in" a new doctor as well.  So, as you can imagine, it was a very stressful and tense going into that appointment.

In my 14 years of seeing an ob/gyn, I have never had the experience that I had on Friday. It was brilliant!!!

Not only did the mammogram not really hurt at all, but my new doctor was fantastic. He was very quick, straight to the point, assured me that I won't die from dysplagia as long as I continue with my follow-up exams (which I already knew), and got right down to business.

He was so quick with doing the pap smear, I didn't even know he was done. I mean he had the plastic ducklips in, got what he needed, and was done in under a minute. It was so quick, I thought he was pulling my leg that he was done, but sure enough he was. 

I barely felt a thing!!! Normally, my exams are really painful no matter what is done, but I have to say this is the BEST pap smear I have ever had. EVER!! My doctor is now (and will forever be known as) the Pap Smear Ninja! He was stealthy, quick, and I didn't know what hit me until it was done.

If that's how all of my future exams are going to go, I can't wait! I hope you all have your own Pap Smear Ninja, and if you don't, I'm happy to share mine! :)

It Should Be Called "Daddy's Day"

I have the best Daddy in the world!

He is always there to offer me advice (even when not solicited), and it is usually good advice.  Although we haven't always seen eye-to-eye on decisions I've made, I knew he would be there to congratulate me on my successes and pick me back up when I stumbled or failed. He's my "Mr. Fixit" and has been utterly invaluable helping me get my condo in order.

My Daddy is a true father, and because of that I choose to celebrate Daddy's Day and not Father's Day. Any man can father a child, but it takes a true man to be a Daddy. Over my 29 years (and counting), I've seen many types of men trying to be parents to their children, but I've not always seen a lot of great Daddies.

A Father will:

• be there for the big events in  your life (usually).
• will be home to tuck you in bed maybe once or twice a week.
• give you money on your birthday and say go have fun.  
• may occasionally meet your friends and can usually remember what you say about them.
• gives you advice on who to call to help you fix problems around your house. 

A Daddy, however, will:

• be at every practice, game, Spelling Bee, academic tournament, and help you at the last minute for your work events. 
• will be there every night to "bust" you and your brother for sneaking around and staying up late, tell you that you have 5 more minutes, and not to tell your mom. 
• take you to dinner for your birthday, talk to you about work, your life, and ask how projects are going around the house...sometimes money gets thrown in there, too...even when you turn 29. :)
• will get to know your friends and treat them like his own children if they ever need anything because he knows they are important to his daughter.
• buys you tools to help fix things and actually takes time to come down and help you with your home projects. 

Daddies are there to uplift their children, not yell at them and make them feel small. Arguments may happen, but they are almost never out of hatred, simply misunderstanding. Daddies never hit their children or the mothers of their children. Daddies do not treat children like yo-yos when it comes to love.

My Daddy has seen me through heartache, heartbreak, academic successes, career failures, personal triumphs, and household struggles. He has inspired me to be a better person and challenged me to not accept anything less than I deserve. Nothing is ever final to him...there's always room for negotiation to get the best of everything.

He has set the bar high for any man to live up to, and maybe that's why I've had such a hard time finding someone to measure up to my standards. Because my Daddy has been such a great role model for me, I only hope that I one day find a man who leads his life like he has and can be a great friend, husband, lover, and Daddy to our children.

I hope you have all been blessed to have a Daddy like mine. :) 

I'm Back...!!

It's hard to believe that it has been two and a half months since my last blog post, but time has really gotten away from me. Let's see...a recap of what I've been up to during that time: work, work, work, started seeing an ex, dumped that ex (again and for good) after realizing nothing had changed, decided to go back to law school, thought I met the man of my dreams, found out he was not who he said he was and got my heart broken again, work, work, vacation (10 days), spent time with a few friends catching up, got to spend some quality time with Buddy and Turkey, and back to work once again. I think that about covers my "exciting" life over the last couple of months. :)

Although most of the past couple of months has been spent literally working day and night, a lot of really great things have been happening as well. First, things have been moving forward with law school. Letters of recommendation and evaluations have been requested. I took the LSAT and should hopefully know my school by the end of the month. I'm starting to get other necessary documents together in order to complete my law school application(s).  The process is just beginning, but it already feels like a huge step forward.

Second, things are starting to finally come together around the house. My Daddy is the best, and he's been helping me finish projects including the kitchen and living room.  I broke down last month and decided that I would just pay someone to come in to paint the living room and the kitchen.  After almost 18 months of saying "I'll get to it when I have time", it was time to fess up to the fact that I would never have time to actually get around to these projects as long as I work the hours I do for my job. Once the painting was completed, Dad and I have worked to put the cabinets together, finish up the details in the kitchen, and start to hang up decorations around the house.

Little by little, my stacks of stuff in storage and piled up in the office and spare bedroom are starting to dwindle down. I still have quite a bit to go, but at least some progress is being made. My goal is to have everything finally sorted in its place and have the cluttered cleared out by the end of July/first of August in time for Chris and maybe another roomie to move in. I can't wait until everything is sorted and settled. It will be nice to actually feel like I'm truly moved into my home, even if it is two years after the fact.

It's kind of ironic and I guess symbolic in some ways that I'm starting to get my house into order both literally and metaphorically.  Maybe it's karma telling me that I'm heading in the right direction with my life now. At any point in the last 18 months, things could have moved forward with my house, but the right factors were never in place at the right time.  But now that I'm making decisions to move forward with my life, it's just ironic that factors came into place for me to also get my house in order...literally.

Lastly, I'm making a concerted effort start losing weight. It's been a struggle, I won't lie, to even get the motivation I need to begin, but I'm tired of being tired...I'm tired of not being comfortable in my own skin anymore. I was actually quite disgusted when I stepped on the scale to see what my starting weight was, so much so, in fact, that I went out and bought a second scale because I didn't think it was accurate. :( It's funny, though, because this is the heaviest weight I've ever been (only twice now in my life), and yet the first time I was this heavy I was 2 dress sizes bigger.  I have no idea where all this weight is on me because many people say I don't honestly look as big as I say I weigh, but scales don't lie...

Starting weight: 180
Weight after week 1: 178
2lbs down, and 38 to go

I promise to keep trying to blog more often because I know that doing so helps to keep me more accountable to all of the changes I'm trying to make. There is definitely lots more to talk about, both good and bad, but that's another day and another blog. :)

One Major Step Forward...

A couple weeks ago I turned 29, and I instantly started to think about my 30th birthday and what I have accomplished with my life. As part of my whole year of change, I vowed that I would make serious changes when it comes to my professional life, but I have been struggling to figure out what those would be and how I would go about achieving them.

As I sat at home alone on my birthday with paperwork piled around me and my work computer in my lap, it dawned on me what I should really be doing in my life. I've always known that it was something I wanted to do, but life and a series of unfortunate events kept me from being able to realize it and go after it...until now.

So what's my new career path? Become a lawyer.

Insert funny lawyer jokes here...

Everyone who knows me well knows that I've always wanted to become a lawyer and work in the family law/human rights/civil rights fields. I would make a great lawyer! I'm loud. :)  I like to argue. I love to help people. I'm a great researcher and love a good puzzle to figure out.

I don't want to be just any lawyer; I want to help people who truly need my help, not criminals. I have no delusions about becoming a rich and famous lawyer because let's face it, doing the type of law I want to do will not make me rich, at least not in the financial way.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize that this is what I truly need to do with my life. I have always wanted to go to law school and become a lawyer since I was really young and would watch Matlock re-runs with my Dad. Honestly, I think I have been scared to take a risk like this in a long time because I have already faced so much disappointment in my personal and professional lives in the last 5-7 years.  But I'm tired of missing out on what I want out of life because I am scared. Starting school again at 30 is a bit of a scary concept, but it's one that I embrace and look forward to doing. 

Giving up a career and going back to the student lifestyle does pose some potential issues, but I am determined to make it happen. I've already started studying for the LSAT, working on getting my letters of recommendation, and putting together my application.  I've even started searching for scholarship and grant applications. 

Maybe I'm crazy for wanting to back to school, but honestly I'm crazier if I stay where I am currently.  I've had no luck finding a new career with the type of position I want, so if doing what I've been doing isn't working, it's time to try something new.  This is both new and exciting! And I do have some time to get adjusted to the idea of going back to school full-time...I won't start until Fall 2012.

Here's to the next chapter of my life!

I Don't Want to Grow Up...

..."I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!"  Lol.

This past weekend, Buddy and Turkey stayed the night with me after my grandma's 90th birthday party. As always, I had our night packed full of fun.

We hadn't even left the parking lot before Buddy shouts, "whoohoo party time!" I love that kid.  We had to swing by my parents' house for a quick minute to get my birthday gift and then we were on our way to my place.  On our way out of the driveway, Buddy and Turkey both start cheering that they are coming home with me to have fun. 

We sang and danced in our seats the whole way home until Turkey fell asleep from pure exhaustion. We had all had a really long day.

On our way home, we stopped by Target, which is Turkey's favorite place to go, and we picked up lots of movie candy, Despicable Me, Eggo waffles for breakfast, and then headed home. We made a quick dinner and then proceeded to set up a make-shift campsite/tent in my living room.

It was just pure childishness and excitement to just get crazy and start moving all the furniture around and then draping it with sheets and blankets to set up our campsite. The kiddos and I had a blast and it made it all comfy and cozy for us to watch our movie.

Redecorating my living room brought back memories from my childhood where my brother and I would make tents in the living room or our bedrooms with whatever we could find. I would sleep for days in those tents feeling like I was camping somewhere outside. I felt like such a kid again!

We spent all night laying in our campsite watching our movie, pigging out on popcorn and candy, and laughing at the minions on Despicable Me. It was such a perfect night, and I loved spending time with Buddy and Turkey, especially since I don't get to see them as often as I would like. They were the best birthday gift I could ask for! :)

Spending time with those kids makes me forget about all the worries I have and I suddenly become a kid again. I wish I could feel that way all the time.  It's much more fun.

What was your fondest childhood memory? What makes you feel like a kid again?

It Has To Be A Full Moon...

It has to be a full moon, I thought on Friday night (and actually it was)...

Last week was a most interesting week to say the least! It was just downright surreal to be honest.

Sunday started off as a cleansing day. Because of all of the stress I've been having both personally and professionally, I had to really sit down and assess what I could deal with and what I couldn't. When it was all said and done, I decided that it was time to truly cut the cords on relationships and situations that were too dramatic and toxic. The easiest way I could do that was to get rid of my Facebook account. I still keep in touch with those friends that I have good relationships with, but for those who don't really have relationships with me, I don't have to worry much because they won't contact me, and I don't have to deal with their Facebook drama. By cleansing myself of this added stress, I was hoping that my outlook on things would be much more positive, but the effect wasn't immediate.

Monday started out not so great. I could barely sleep all night and was up half the the night in tears and having a mini panic attack about everything going on in my life. My birthday plans didn't turn out very well, although I am grateful to my brother, my sister-in-law, and a couple of my friends that took time to celebrate with me. Work was starting to really overwhelm me, and when I finally woke up that morning after like maybe two hours of sleep, I just couldn't handle coming into work, so I used a mental health day.

Tuesday and Wednesday were crammed with meetings and late nights per usual.

Thursday morning started out very interesting with a text from an old friend that I hadn't heard from in more than a year. We had parted ways to due to some pretty severe circumstances more than a year ago, yet out of nowhere, she contacted me asking for me to forgive her for what happened and wanting to know if we could be friends again and if I would like to be a part of my god children's lives again.

Considering how things ended with us, I honestly thought I would never hear from her again, so I was very much caught off-guard when she contacted me. All of my friends who have been around for the past few years know how much the dissolution of this friendship and being banned from having any contact with my godchildren affected me.  It was as if my heart had been ripped out clear through my chest, and I still hadn't really gotten over it at the point in time that she contacted me last week.

I wasn't sure how I would feel when we actually talked about things, but surprisingly all I wanted to do was reach out through the phone and hug her.  There are still a lot of hurt feelings over what happened and what was said, but under the circumstances, I understand why things went down the way they did. Surprisingly, it was easy for us to talk about stuff, even though I wasn't too sparing with how I felt about the way things occurred, although she is sympathetic to how I feel.  Our relationship is by no means 100% healed, but at least we are on the right path to getting it there, and I am happy that I have a chance to have her and the kids back in my life again.  It has most definitely been a little emptier without them.

Friday started off business as usual with work, although I was still a bit euphoric from the rekindled friendship from the day before.  It didn't take long, though, for things to get even more surreal.  After I got home from work, I decided to have a little down time to work on some things online.  While I browsing the Internet, I got a message on my AIM account that took me by complete surprise. At first, I wasn't even sure I wanted to open the message (since he was no longer on my buddy list, I had to approve the message to come through) considering who it came from. Curious, I opened it.

Very, very long story short...the guy who I dated off and on last year, you know, the one who I got pregnant by and then he basically walked away from our relationship, reached out to me and wanted to talk. Well, in his words, I suddenly popped back up on his AIM buddy list, and he could now see me to message me, but apparently hadn't been able to for months. So because I suddenly was visible to him again, he thought something had changed, and that I had recently unblocked him from seeing me online and from contacting me.  Yet, I hadn't ever blocked him in the first place.  I just simply removed him from my life in every form: email, phone, and AIM.

I was literally sitting there at my computer thinking to myself that this has to be a full moon...It is crazy that I would start my week off the way I did to end up at the end of the week regaining an old friend and the very next day having an ex that I really cared about and wanted to still be with reach out to me. So, out of curiosity, I Googled the full moon calendar, and sure enough there was a full moon starting on March 19th, the very next day.

So, that is how our conversation started with a discussion about what had changed that he could now see me to which I had no answer.  The conversation quickly progressed into small talk about what we've been up to, his business, witty banter, light flirting, us, and then would I like to come over to his new store to see the remodeling. I am not totally sure why, but despite my cautiousness toward him after what he did to me, I felt drawn to him again. I had to at least go see him, to talk with him and find out what he is like now...I am not sure it was such a great idea.

I get to his new store, and it was most definitely awkward. But as the minutes went by, something changed, and we just fell back into conversation with our normally witty banter back and forth, joking about work, our friendships, etc., and even us. After about an hour and a half of this, he finally decide to close up things for the night, and awkwardly again, I decided to leave and go home. 

I was barely home and on my computer again before he messaged me again...We continued to talk, and things just kept pulling me back in again. I caved and invited him to come over and talk more in person, which I quite enjoyed. He ended up staying the night...the details of which I will not share at this time...but in the morning I started to really regret things.

I am so confused now as to what is going on. I have so many questions I wanted answered, but I don't want to drown out things between us by just beating it to death with my questions.  At the same time, though, I feel like I am entitled to some answers, especially after the way he left things over 4 months ago. I am still really hurt and angry. I don't fully trust him, yet my heart just wants to forgive him and start again.

I have no clue what Friday night really was, and what it all means going forward.  His life is no less busy than before, which was a part of our relationship's demise previously. I just really don't know what has changed that now all of a sudden we should start seeing each other again.  We have tried to have a relationship twice before, and each time it ended disastrously, yet we both got back into things again.

I've been so lonely and missing him the past few months, that I think I let my emotions and my feelings for him overshadow my better judgment. I regret letting him back in my life so easily, especially after how badly he hurt me.  We haven't really talked about things since then, and I can't help but feel like I got taken advantage of. I'm disappointed in how I handled it, and I wish I could take it back, but I will just have to see what happens over the next day or so. 

I just can't seem to catch a break when it comes to love.  I especially have blinders on when it comes to him, and I think he knows that. When he's with me, he seems to know what to say to make me melt for him, but the moment we are apart and trying to talk about things, I can barely get him to have a serious conversation with me about us, what he wants from our relationship, if anything at all. As much as I wish that he and I could work through things, I am just worried that nothing has really changed and that he is only wanting to be with me again because he's lonely and knows how I feel about him.  I hate to feel that way, but it's so hard to not go there with our past history and with the current state of limbo everything is in with us. I guess only time will tell...but it will have to materialize one way or the other very soon. I can't let this drag out for too long. It's not fair to me and the progress I am I trying to make with improving my life.

Well, here's to another day or two of the full moon and to my 29th birthday which starts at Midnight.

Music Soothes My Soul

The last couple of weeks have been very trying for me both professionally and personally.  I have gone days on end with little more than eating (sometimes), sleeping (little), and working. Relationships with those close to me have been strained despite efforts to work on them, and I reached a breaking point with many of them this past weekend.

Each day that has passed I've felt my mood get deeper and darker.  The realization finally hit me that there is only so much in my life I can control, and I need to learn to let go of what I can't. I need stop trying so hard to make things happen that clearly aren't meant to be.

Driving long hours to and from my communities for work have only exacerbated my mood, yet at the same time, I have found a few fleeting moments of fun and even childishness on those trips.  To help break up the monotony of driving so much, I listen to the radio (albeit a variety of stations along my trip).

One can only listen to so many of the same songs play over and over again before even the music gets quite boring, yet there are those moments when a song comes on and it speaks to me.  Recently, Cee Lo Green, Pink, and Katy Perry have topped the list of songs that just brighten my mood and soothe my aching soul the moment I hear them. I will listen to these songs even when they start to get all fuzzy from driving out of range for the station either until the song ends or I lose it the signal. 

I sing along in my car, even dance while I am sitting trying to drive, and for a few minutes I forget about everything that's bothering me.  Sometimes I catch other drivers looking at me while I am jamming along in the car, and it cracks me up the looks I get. The semi truck drivers who honk at me are the best!

Over the last couple of days, I've heard the new song by Glee, "Loser Like Me", and tonight I heard another song on the show, "Get It Right". It's ironic that I used to not be a huge follower of the show until recently, but these songs really spoke to my current life and the things I am currently dealing with, especially "Get It Right".

Get It Right lyrics

What have I done? I wish I could

Away from this ship goin' under

Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone

Now I feel the weight of the world is

On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?

'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?

Oh, how many times will it take for me?

To get it right

To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?

'Cause I can't go back and undo this

I just have to stay and face my mistakes

But if I get stronger and wiser

I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?

'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?

Oh, how many times will it take for me?

To get it right

To get it ri-igh-ight

So I throw up my fist

I will punch in the air

And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair

Yeah, I'll send out a wish

Yeah, I'll send up a prayer

And finally, someone will see

How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?

'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?

Oh, how many times will it take for me?

To get it right

To get it ri-igh-ight

Even though most songs last less than 4 minutes, that's 4 minutes of my day that I don't have to think about anything other than just letting loose and having fun. I am thankful for those little moments in my car or even in my house chasing the kittens around singing and dancing like I used to when I was a little kid.

Have you ever had a bad day and suddenly you hear a song that instantly changes your mood? Why does music have such mood-altering capabilities?

The Real Reasons Our Society is Falling Apart

What is wrong with people today? I can't seem to go a single day without wondering who raised some of the people I come in contact with when I am out and about for work (because as we know, I rarely do anything other than eat, sometimes sleep, and work).

Over the long drives home from Terre Haute the last two days, I've had a lot of time to mull over these interactions in addition to the TV, radio, and Facebook commentaries that I have come across. The more I have tried to analyze and understand peoples' actions and their very vocal opinions on current affairs, the sadder I have become at the reality of what our society is turning into.


Loyalty, fidelity, and honor have become optional instead of the expectation.


Divorce is at an all-time high. You can't turn on the TV or radio without hearing about some story about a celebrity, reality TV star, politicians, prominent business people, etc. having a affair, doing something shady, or betraying a friend, family member, or business partner.

Even in my personal life lately, I can't seem to find a relationship where men haven't been unfaithful, and I have had a slew of friends who don't seem to understand the concept of what it means to be a loyal, honorable friend. Whether it's a friendship or a relationship, the expectation should be that you are honest and devoted to that person and as they should be to you. Not every relationship or friendship will last forever, but the manner in which people enter and leave those relationships should be something that you can look back on and not regret how you handled those situations.

Simply put:
1) Don't lie to people you care about.
2) When they come to you with a problem, be a good friend and listen, don't criticize.
3) Just because you have one disagreement, doesn't mean the relationship has to end. If one argument is enough to end a friendship/relationship, it must not have been a very strong one to begin with.
4) A true friend will be there to take your call when you need them no matter the time, will give you the shirt off their back if you need it, and will defend you to others who judge you.


Everyone is so willing to complain, but few are willing to offer solutions.


If I hear one more person complain about how awful the government is, how terrible our schools are, or how much the economy sucks, I think I might punch them.  We all know that things are not the greatest right now, that part is clear, but all I hear are complaints and very few practical solutions being offered.

Whether it's on Facebook, the local news, or even in our papers, there is commentary after commentary about how things have gotten out of control and the world is coming to an end, how we should fire everyone in public office, cut all taxes, and chop funding for all social programs. Yeah, those all sound great! Let me know how those work out for you.

I don't have the solutions for all of our societal issues either, but I am willing to work with groups for reasonable solutions. I have even worked to help elect candidates that I truly felt would make a positive difference in my community and have considered running for office myself.

The issues our programs are currently facing are not the result of decisions that were made by me or even my generation, but spending all of this time trying to play the blame game is getting us no where. Instead of focusing all of our energy on bitching about how broken everything is, maybe if people actually put half of their energy into helping to find solutions to these problems, we could make reasonable, rational, and realistic changes that will move our society forward instead of backwards.

Simply put:
1) We can't cut all taxes because whether you realize it or not, those taxes help to pay for our schools, firefighters, police officers, pave roads, and provide so many essential services that the average tax payer doesn't take the time to research.
2) If we fired everyone in government, we would lose a lot of really great people trying to make our society better. Don't get me wrong, there are DEFINITELY people who have forgotten why they were elected and no longer need to be in office, but not everyone is that way.
3) Cut all of the social programs and see what happens when you lose your job, can't afford health insurance or medical screenings, or even want to retire. You will not have any help and will be forced to suffer through those tough times with little or no help. Work to reform these programs where needed, but do not cut essential services.


Until an issue affects someone directly, few are willing to fight for it even if it is important.


For years, I along with many others in my "liberal circle" have been warning people about education, right to work, health care, etc. and yet no one felt that the messages we were trying to convey were important because well let's face it, things seemed good then, we weren't in a recession and they had more important things to worry about at the time.

Open your eyes! It doesn't matter if you have children or not, the quality of our educational system affects everyone. Poor school systems can bring down property values and crimes rates can increase because children are dropping out of school to sell drugs or run the streets. If school systems decline, fewer students will pursue a college education and the quality of the workforce will also decline. Your future coworkers may not be of the highest quality and our companies will slowly fall behind those in other cities, states, and even countries that see the importance of always investing in education.

Without diving into a drawn-out diatribe, I believe these principles can be applied to many other social issues such as those I listed above (and many, many more).


Hate is too often replacing love as a family value.


Growing up, I was most definitely the black sheep of the family. I thought my parents were so judgmental and unforgiving. For the longest time, I thought to myself that I must be adopted because we were so different in how we saw the world.

But as I got older, I came to find that my parents while rigid in many respects loved me for who I was and wanted me to change the world. Even now, my parents have come to realize the great benefits of Planned Parenthood and are extremely supportive of my involvement in the GLBT community as an ally.

While my parents were not religious by any means and did not require my brother or I to attend church, they did work very hard to instill a good moral compass in each of us. They provided us with the knowledge and fortitude to take on the world and gave us choice to make mistakes. But no matter what we did, our parents were there to love us and taught us to love others.

I just don't see this nearly enough with families these days. There are a lot of great parents in this world, but even some of the best parents are not teaching their children to view the world in this way. They are teaching their children that if someone is different from you or has different beliefs that they are wrong, weird, or should be hated. If someone is gay or "acts gay", they are sinners and damned to hell. If they are fat, push them around and call them "porky". If they are poor, they are "white trash" and "stupid hillbillies".

When is enough going to be enough? Haven't we had enough school and workplaces shootings? Haven't we had enough teen suicides? What if it was your child being bullied?

Again, imagine if parents, aunts, uncles, teachers, and other influential people in childrens' lives took half the energy they use to crack mean jokes or to teach their children about hate and instead invested time setting good examples of how to love people regardless of who they are and their flaws. It only takes one person to break this cycle to make an impact that can last a lifetime.


Life has become about who you know instead of what you do to achieve success.


What ever happened to putting in the time and hard work to reach success?  What happened to those companies that used to reward people for their hard work, dedication, and loyalty to their employer?

Anymore it seems that you get jobs and promotions based on who you know instead of the merits of your work. I have watched a company tell a 15-year employee that despite her years of loyalty and hard work that it's not good enough and she may be let go soon because they don't believe that she is "cutting it." Her manager, however, who got her job based on who she knew (and by the way has no clue how to do her job effectively), is receiving accolades she hasn't earned. This employee has also been turned down for every single promotion opportunity she has applied for simply because she does not have a college degree even though she has more experience than every manager in her office combined.

I have even been passed over for jobs in my company that my fellow employees thought I would have been perfect for and more than qualified for for candidates hired outside the company. Forget the fact that I am 1) already a trained company employee, 2) actually have more experience than the candidates they hired, and 3) have been doing parts of these jobs for quite some time already.

Just because someone has connections and can get hired in a company doesn't always make them the best choice. In fact, in my experience, I have noticed that such hirings do not work out well in the long-term. So not only have you alienated your dedicated, loyal employees by these less than kosher practices, but you also wasted your time and resources on training employees that shouldn't have been hired in the first place.

Morale and company loyalty go out the window, and a new workforce generation is developed that is cynical about working for a living or moving up the proverbial ladder. This depressing attitude then carries over into their home and social lives (trust me on this...I'm in this rut now).

People are getting caught up with the short-term that they completely overlook the long-term effects.


ME! ME! ME! NOW! NOW! NOW!

This is all my generation and the generation after me thinks about: the best payout now with the shortest wait time. Consequences be damned!

Short-term: Cut property taxes now so I can save a couple hundred dollars (maybe) a year. Schools will have to close and class sizes are up to 40+ kids each.
Long-term: My kids' schools are awful. There are not enough teachers. Is this really what my taxes pay for?? We need to fire our legislators because they are doing an awful job.

Short-term: Give me a tax break so I can get back a few hundred more dollars this year. What will I do with that money? Pay off bills? Maybe. Put it into savings. Not likely. Buy a new TV? Sounds like a plan!
Long-term: Damn it! ANOTHER pothole!! When are they ever going to fix these roads? What the heck are our tax dollars paying for?

Short-term: Stop funding social programs. They are only for lazy people who don't work.
Long-term: You just got laid off. Need unemployment? Sorry, we can only help you for 1 month. Hope you can find a new job by then. Need food stamps? Sorry, we have limited funding and you don't qualify right now.

"We are all interdependent. So we had better start caring for our opposition as much as we do ourselves." ~ The Prince & Me

Things Every Man Should Know How To Do

So in trying to keep with fairness of my blogs, I thought I would post up a list of things that every man should know how to do. Let's face it, there are a lot of single men out there who haven't found Mrs. Right yet to "take care of them", so until they can find her, they have to manage somehow.  Their Mommas won't always be there to take care of them, just like our Daddies won't always be there to take care of us.

1) Sew on a button and/or stitch up a ripped seam

2) Do laundry and remove a stain off any piece of clothing

3) Bake cookies, brownies, cupcakes...You know, the basics :)

4) How to color match/decorate your place so it doesn't look like a frat house after a party

5) Cook more than mac 'n cheese and microwave dinners/soup

6) Jump start a car

7) Basic "handyman" duties (hammer a nail, fix small things around the house, etc.)
8) Buy groceries smartly...checking prices, looking for sales, and using coupons

9) How to properly plunge a clogged toilet (and avoid creating a yucky, wet mess all over the bathroom)

10) Learn how to give a compliment to a woman

11) Paint a room without making a mess and staying within the lines

12) Tie a bow tie

13) Clean a wound and dress it properly (other than with super glue!)

14) Dust and vacuum so the house doesn't look like the desert

15) Iron a shirt and other wrinkly clothes

I am sure I am forgetting some things, but based on my past dating and live-in boyfriend experience, these seem to rise to the top. Are there any that you think are important for men to know how to do?

Things Every Woman Should Know How To Do

In staying with my latest mantra of "single sisterhood", I thought it would be fun to put together a list of important things every woman should know how to do. Many of us will be single and living on our own at some point in our lives, some of us longer than others. Our Daddies won't always be there to rescue us when we need them, although they are sometimes good at long distance quick fix advice.

I hope my Daddy lives forever because I might just be screwed without him!!! I so have a brother, but I've witnessed some of his work at fixing things, and well...at least he tries. Haha!

Below is  list that I have come up with over the last 18 months since I bought my condo.  It's amazing how quickly you realize you have no idea what you are doing when you live on your own. For the sake of full disclosure, I must admit that I am not adept at many of these and in fact probably should learn how to do some of them.

1) Change a tire

2) How to properly plunge a clogged toilet (and avoid creating a yucky, wet mess all over the bathroom)

3) Know how to quickly shut off a water main valve and know how to assess your leaking plumbing when you have a water mess happening (kitchens and bathrooms are the worst, I know!)

4) Check your fuse box when your electricity goes out

5) Open a garage door manually in case the electric box breaks

6) Hang a picture frame and shelves with a level

7) Put together office, living room furniture, and bookshelves...instructions do help!

8) How to wire/re-wire electrical outlets

9) Move furniture around the house without breaking things (or your back!)

10) Landscape, remove tree stumps, etc. without having to hire someone to do it for you

11) Know how to effectively maintain your furnace/AC unit

12) Basic "handyman" duties (hammer a nail, fix small things around the house, etc.)

13) Hook up a basic home theater system

14) Jump start a car

15) Basic self-defense/home security techniques

Any other good suggestions you would like to share?

Top 10 Reasons I Enjoy Being Single

Lately, I've been a little down about being single and with this week bringing "Singles Awareness Day" (aka Valentine's Day), I was definitely feeling a bit lower than usual. Although it was a stressful week work-wise, events of these week made me realize that being single has its advantages.

1. I can sleep in an additional 10 minutes every day because I don't have to shave my legs.

2. When I come home, I can put on my PJs, pull my hair back, and not worry about looking "pretty" for someone else.

3. When I want to make last minute plans with the girls or other friends, I don't have to check in with someone else to make sure it is ok.

4. I can walk around my house naked whenever I want!!

5. I don't have to worry about cleaning up after someone else. I'm messy enough on my own.

6. My Girl Scout cookies, all other baked goods, and candy last twice as long. :)

7. I have more money to spend on ME instead of going out to dinner and buying gifts for someone else.

8. My closet and all the dresser drawers are mine, and I don't have to cram my clothes into an inadequate space just to make room for someone else's clothes.

9. I can leave my make-up, hair products, etc all over my bathroom countertop and not get nagged about doing it.

10. I can have random hot hook-ups whenever I want.


Don't get me wrong, I would love to find someone to be in a relationship with and share everything that life has to offer with him, but it doesn't seem like that is in the cards for me right now, much to my dismay. So while I am a living the single life, I might as well try to enjoy the benefits!! :)

Blink and You Will Miss It

Where has the last two weeks of my life gone?  I feel like I woke up and just fast-forwarded through past two weeks. I have done virtually nothing but wake up, eat, work, and sleep.  I have lost all concept of time during the last couple of weeks and feel like it has been a non-stop "work fest".

And this workaholic stretch has not been without its consequences.  I topped off this last two weeks with a 4-day plague that overtook my body and ruined my good mojo: double ear infection, sinus infections, and bronchitis to top it off for good measure.

Ironically, there was an article on AOL.com yesterday that screamed "this is my life", so I felt I had to share it: "Signs You're Stressed Out: Relax with These Tips" (http://www.aolhealth.com/2011/02/10/signs-youre-stressed-out-relax-with-these-tips/). I know I am not always one to follow my own advice (something I am trying to change), but I thought others might enjoy these great tips.

1. You're sniffling and sneezingStress can up your reaction to allergens because it weakens your immune system.

Chill out: OTC allergy meds can help, but so can exercise. Regular 30-minute workouts speed the release of epinephrine, your body's natural decongestant.

2. You're breaking out
When tense, your body pumps out extra adrenaline that prompts the emission of sebum, your skin's pimple-causing oil. As production of one goes up, so does the other.

Chill out: Wash problem areas twice a day. Gel- or foam-based cleansers are best for dissolving oil. If those don't cut the grease, ask your derm for a sebum-busting retinoid cream.

3. Your scalp is patchy
Anxiety may put your strands into no-grow mode because stress hormones can interfere with hair growth.

Chill out: Make sure you're getting enough iron, omega-3 fatty acids, and vitamin B12, all of which promote hair health. Nosh on foods like broccoli and salmon.

4. Your jaw feels like it's on fire
You may be grinding your teeth at night, an action triggered by tension.

Chill out: Press a warm washcloth against your jaw for five minutes before you hit the hay. The heat will relax your muscles and help cut down on grinding. Not working? See your dentist to get fitted for a mouth guard.

5. You're ravenous for junk food
High levels of cortisol, your body's stress hormone, can prompt you to crave sweets. (Thank your cave sisters, who needed quick energy boosts to deal with tense situations.)

Chill out: Your cravings will last as long as cortisol is rushing through your body, so swap an unsatisfying high-calorie eating spree for some sweet-tasting sugarless gum.

6. Your monthly flow is showing up early, late, or not at all
When stressed, your brain sends out signals that can alter or disrupt ovulation.

Chill out: Talk to your gyno about oral contraceptives. Birth-control pills can rebalance your reproductive hormone levels and get your cycle back on track.

6 for 6...I guess this means I am super stressed out!

I know that people say you can control your own life and can limit your stress, but how? I am at a total loss for how to do this with my current job. In order to do my job well, I feel I have no option but to keep up at the pace I am. Otherwise, I know I am not getting stuff done in a timely manner and in a way that I feel confident I did a good job.

I really wish I could find a new career path that would allow me to do this, but I feel like I have no viable options anymore. I need help and advice. Does anyone have any that might help in this situation?

What Makes a Good Friend?

"A friend is one who knows you and love you just the same."

~Elbert Hubbard 

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about friendships, both new and old. What makes a good friend? What qualities do you look for when deciding whether you should become friends with someone or even when you considering to continue your friendship?

I feel blessed that I've so many great friends over the years. I've stayed friends with most of them since the time we met, but other friendships have waxed and waned or died out altogether. A few of these were toxic friendships and definitely needed to end, but a small portion of them I really did not want to see end; however circumstances being what they were, regrettably those friendships could no longer exist without causing one or both of us considerable emotional harm.

While I have a rather large number of people I call friends, I definitely hold some closer to my heart than others. Over the last 15 years or so, these friends have seen me in some of my best and worst moments. Although some of my friends have seen me in some dark times, especially when my heart has been broken by the men I loevd,  what I think stings me even more to the core is the fact that I had friends outright betray me, abandon our friendship without really giving a reason why, take advantage of our friendship, and much worse. On each of these occasions, I would call some of my other close friends crying my eyes out over the situations not really understanding why they acting this way and wondering what I had done wrong to cause them to treat our friendship this way. 

"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may would your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."

~ Buddha

Well, after several years of dealing with these issues and coming to the realization that I can't control what others do, I finally decided that I needed to reevaluate what qualities I look for in friends and what lengths I am willing to go to in order to hold on to a friendship.  I actually stumbled upon a quote that pretty much sums it up.

"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely."

 ~ Pam Brown 

In keeping with my "Change Checklist" for this year, I am still on the path to ridding myself of toxic friendships and relationships that are still lingering or that I have been debating on keeping around.  I thought that I had accomplished this item on the checklist, but recently I have come to believe I still have some work to do before I can truly check it off the list.  Additionally, I am evaluating how good of a friend I have been to my friends and taking steps to making myself a better friend.

Qualities I Value in a Friend (and Strive to Exhibit with Mine)

• Honesty
• Loyalty
• Trustworthy
• Can count on them no matter what (especially for late night calls and bail money - if the time should come)
• Even if life gets busy, they make time to send a text, email, Facebook message or something that shows me they are still thinking about me and our friendship
• They call me out on my bullshit (when needed) and call things like they are
• Are funny and can make me laugh
• Loves me for who I am and encourages me to embrace who I am
• Celebrates in my joys and comforts me in my sorrows
• Are unique, diverse, and are not afraid to be themselves with me
• Someone I can trust with my secrets
• Supportive no matter how many mistakes I make
• Good listener and attentive

What I Won't Tolerate Anymore

• Being taken advantage of
• Breaking my trust by telling private matters to people they should not have
• Lying to me about things you have said and done about me behind my back
• Ignoring or not returning phone calls, emails, texts, and/or Facebook messages in a reasonable and timely manner (I mean we are all busy, but I work more than 60 hours every week and can still manage to send messages from time to time)
• Putting down my other friends (no matter what your reason is)

Friends cannot truly call themselves friends when they treat those they claim to care about like they are an after thought or an accessory to their life.  Yes, people grow up, get married, have kids, and have lives of their own, but I have a long list of friends who have achieved all of these and still manage to talk with me and/or get together on a fairly regular basis.

I am tired of holding on to the hurt and the anger from dealing with these so-called friendships that I don't feel are truly friendships anymore. It's time that I let them go, and by letting them go, I will also be releasing myself from these awful feelings that I know longer need to hold onto.

Maybe by releasing these friendships, they will realize what a good friend I really was to them and decide to come back and finally talk to me about why things ended up they way they did. If not, I truly believe that is their loss. I've had some friendships that ended in this way before and after some years, we reconnected.  Honestly, I feel our friendship has grown stronger in many ways because of the turns that our friendship took. I only hope that this will be the case for some of these friendships I foresee losing in the near future.

To my amazing, wonderful friends, THANK YOU! You are some of the most amazing people I know, and I am a better person for having you in my life. Life would most definitely not be the same without you. It would be dull, gray, and boring instead of exciting, full of color, and so, so bright. I love you all and wouldn't trade you for all the riches in the world.

Am I Too Picky Or Are All the Truly Great Men Gone?

My love life is seriously on life support right now...

As much as I have tried to avoid dating and dating websites, I can't help it. I am a romantic (albeit a heart-broken hopeless romantic), and I want to believe that I will find my true love to spend my life with and build a family with. While I have been in love a few times in my life, love does not come easy for me, and losing those men that I love only makes it harder to want to try again.

But try I have. I have posted profiles and ads on more websites than I care to admit, all in the name of trying to find love.  It has most definitely been an interesting experiment, and here are the results:

Result #1: Men will lie on their profiles about wanting to meet women to find "the one" just so they sleep with you and/or start a friend with benefits situation.

Result #2: It's getting more difficult to find SINGLE men on dating websites. Yes, you read it correctly...They say they are single, but after talking with them for a while, a red flag pops up and you call them on it.  Then, they say, "oh I'm separated" or "I'm unhappy in our relationship and going to leave soon." Bullshit! You are just looking to get some ass on the side...I defer back to Result #1 again.

Result #3: After weeding out a ton of crazies, jerks, unattractive men, etc. you finally find someone who makes the cut. You talk with them and set up a date. You go on that date, and they are NOTHING like what you expected. They are shorter, fatter, socially awkward, etc. DATING FAIL...and back to the drawing board again.

Result #4: Maybe once in a blue moon, I find someone who makes the cut and passes the first date test. We may go on another date or two, but inevitably I find that while we are great in theory, in practice, we do not mesh. There is no chemistry, fire, spark, whatever you want to call it. I don't find my heart fluttering or feeling nervous when I am with them like you should when you truly have an attraction with someone new.

In my life, I have only truly fallen in love 4 or 5 times, but have only really seen myself spending the rest of my life with 2 of them. Both of those relationships ended very badly despite things seeming to be great in theory and practice (at least for a while). Outside of those relationships, I have found myself floundering to find men who make me feel the way they do, and I am completely disappointed at the quality of men in this world. 

So, it got me thinking: am I too picky or are all the truly great men gone?

I don't feel like I have a ridiculous list of requirements, but upon talking to some friends, maybe I am a little too selective about the men I am dating (however every time I take their advice and try to give guys I normally wouldn't a chance, it never works out...ergo, why I am still single). 

A few years ago I put together this crazy list of requirements, an application of sorts, for a life partner.  While that list was maybe a bit over the top, I still feel that a lot of the basics are (not in any particular order):

• 27-33 years old
• Intelligent (college education preferred)
• Attractive
• Down to earth
• Quick wit
• Good sense of humor
• Extroverted (not socially awkward)
• Kind
• Caring
• Generous
• Charming
• Likes cats and dogs
• GLBT-friendly
• Liberal
• Not intimiated by a strong woman
• Loves and wants kids
• Non-smoker
• Creative or has an artsy side
• Has a good career
• Financially stable
• Family-oriented
• Has a great group of friends
• Bonus for: good at giving massages, can handle my quirkiness/fiestiness, can cook or likes take out a lot, not a heavy drinker, and can play euchre or hand and foot.  

Is this list really that picky?? I just figured a lot of these would be considered basic criteria, although there are a couple I could see being a bit selective.  But if I'm not picky when it comes to the man I might spend the rest of my life with, then when should I be picky?

Chivalry or Chauvinism?

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of women saying, "chivalry is dead."  Is it really dead or have we as women become accustomed to a different type of chivalry? What does chivalry mean these days?

These were some questions that popped into my head this weekend as I was on a date (I know, I know...). The guy who picked me up was quite a gentleman.  Instead of bringing flowers or candy, he brought treats for my cats. He opened the car door for me. When we got to the museum, he opened all the doors and even pulled out my chair for me when we grab lunch in the museum cafe.  He hung my coat up in the coat check and would even walk behind me when we toured all of the galleries. As we were leaving he even held my coat out for me to put on.

I have to admit that I was a little thrown off guard when he opened the car door for me and definitely looked shell-shocked when he pulled out my chair and helped me put on my coat.  I could tell that by my reaction he seemed a bit content that I was in a bit of a state of shock to have a guy do this for me. I think it pleased him, but at the same time it looked like he was trying to figure out if I enjoyed it or was turned off by it.

I feel bad for guy these days. I will be the first to admit that I tend to forget that many guys like to open doors for women, help them with their chairs, among other things. But with the passing of generations, some women have gotten it in their heads that they don't need to have these things done and in fact, it is an insult to them because it gives the appearance they can't do things for themselves.  I tend to forget this when I'm on dates and just walk to doors to open them without giving my date a chance to do it for me.

As a feminist, I agree that there were certain things that men used to do for women that made us feel like less than equals. They would speak for us (even though quite often we didn't agree), they would vote for us (until we won that right), they would order food for us at dinner (sometimes not what we wanted), etc. These actions overshadowed what chivalry truly was meant to be: honor, valor, and respect. And so with changes in women's rights and the ability of women to take care of themselves and their families, modern day chivalry has changed...in what little existence it still has.

On my way home from work on Tuesday, I was listening to a talk radio show that was discussing this topic, specifically whether it is chivalrous or chauvinistic to have a guy order dinner for you (not in the sense that he doesn't ask your input, but presents what you want to the waitress/waiter). So, after listening to that discussion, it got me thinking more about my date on Sunday and chivalry in general. 

Is chivalry truly dead?

If it's not, why don't we hear about it anymore?

Do women just not recognize certain gestures as being chivalrous?

Are guys afraid of showing they are chivalrous for fear of turning women off, or do they simply not know how to be chivalrous?

Deep down, I think a lot of women would like to find a man to do these things for us, not because we can't do them for ourselves, but because they are a sign of romance and respect, two things that seem to be lacking and/or disappearing in relationships nowadays.

Even as a feminist, I still would like for a man to attempt being chivalrous, although it's not an expectation. It's nice to have someone open doors for me, help me with my coat, pull out my chair, walk with his hand on the small of my back. Does this make me the "damsel in distress"? No.  Does it make me a hopeless romantic? Maybe. Does wanting these things mean I support chauvinistic behavior from men? HELL NO.

What do you think?  Is chivalry dead or have women just scared it into hiding?

Change Checklist Update - January

It's been a little over a month since I started this whole project and realized that I haven't done a change checklist assessment in a while. The last few weeks have definitely been a roller coaster with several ups and some downs, but despite all the twists and turns, I've realized a lot of things about myself which are helping me to make some much needed changes.

The "Change" Checklist

Physical Health

• Get back to my target weight for 135 lbs.
• Get back on a regular workout routine.
• Fit back into a bikini before I hit age 30.
• Start eating healthier and cut out junk food, soda, and candy. [I NEED AN INTERVENTION!]
• Learn to cook better food and eat more at home.  [IN PROGRESS - I'VE LIMITED EATING OUT TO ONLY 3 DAYS A WEEK]

Emotional Health  

• Control my emotions better and stop taking my feelings out on others. [IN PROGRESS - I'M DOING MUCH BETTER BUT VOLUNTEERS WHO AREN'T CONSIDERATE OF MY FEELINGS AND THE NEED FOR A PERSONAL LIFE DO NOT HELP THE SITUATION.]
• Learn to manage stress better. [IN PROGRESS - THE BLOG IS HELPING AND THIS PROJECT ARE HELPING]
• I really need a new job to help with this and have been fielding potential jobs and applications lately.
• Stop bottling up my feelings and talk more about what's going on in my life with those I care about. [IN PROGRESS - THE BLOG IS HELPING!]

Professional Life

• Find a HEALTHY work-life balance. If this means findins a new job then that's what I need to do. [THIS HAS BEEN IMPOSSIBLE SINCE I STARTED BACK AT WORK IN JANUARY - SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE SOON.]
• Learn to find more joy than frustration with my job.
• Take a risk and start a business venture this year. [IN PROGRESS - HAVE ALREADY OUTLINED A COUPLE PROJECT IDEAS AND WORKING ON DEVELOPING BUSINESS PLANS]

Personal Life

• Spend more time with family, especially my niece and nephew. They are growing up way to too fast, and I am missing out. [DONE - WELL I'M SPENDING TIME WITH THEM, BUT NEED TO MAKE SURE TO KEEP IT UP]
• I need to learn to appreciate my friends more and make more time for spending with them (and my family) over work. [DONE - WELL I'M SPENDING TIME WITH THEM, BUT NEED TO MAKE SURE TO KEEP IT UP]
• Get rid of toxic friendships and relationships that are bringing unwanted stress into my life. [DONE FOR NOW AND GOOD RIDDANCE!!]
• Take more ME time...pamper myself with manis/pedis every once in a while, take myself to the movies, read a good book, etc. [NEEDS MORE WORK]
• December was great, but I've had no time in January to spend on myself.   
• Find something fun that I am passionate about and make a new hobby of it.
• I really want to do something with an artistic flair. Maybe I will take up painting or drawing again
• Be open to change and new experiences.
• Try to check some things off my "Bucket List". [IN PROGRESS]
• Need to complete my bucket list...although a few items have been scratched off already.
• Stop focusing on how much time I have left to have kids. I need to trust that when I'm supposed to be a mom that it will happen.

Love Life

• Stop searching for love and let love try to find me. [NOT SURE I WANT TO FIND LOVE ANYMORE CONSIDERING RECENT CIRCUMSTANCES]
• I'm beginning to think I will never find the type of love I want...more coming soon on this in a blog post this week.
• Stop using dating websites to meet new men because they are a waste of time and the quality of men on most of them leaves something to be desired. [IN PROGRESS - WENT BACK TO ONE WEBSITE AND HAVE MET A COUPLE GUYS, BUT ONCE AGAIN VERY DISAPPOINTED.]
• Stop letting men, sex, and love (or lack thereof) define my life. [GOING TO NEED SOME WORK]
• Learn to truly trust and open my heart to whatever may come my way. [FEELING LIKE THIS IS REALLY TOUGH RIGHT NOW]

My First Great Epiphany of the Year

Thursday was a great day in many respects professionally, but the key moment of the day was watching the Terre Haute City Council voted unanimously in favor of a comprehensive smoke-free workplaces law (even though it won't take effect until July 1, 2012). Although there are some reservations about the context in which this ordinance came about and the fact that it won't take immediate effect, it is still a celebration on many levels. And to consider that the process to get to this vote happened in just a matter of a few months is nothing short of a miracle!

After sitting through Thursday's meeting and contemplating the work that went into everything, an idea came to me: What if I were to create a non-profit business that helps other non-profits coordinate advocacy and issue campaigns? Sounds like something I would be great at, right?

So many non-profits have great issue campaigns or projects they want to work on, but no money to hire people to help them. In many of these cases, they apply for grants to hire temporary workers for anywhere from 3 months to a year until their projects are complete. Most of the time, they are able to accomplish what they want, but usually it's done on a sliding learning curve. They have to train people on their organization, their mission, etc., and precious time they could be working on their campaign or project is wasted.

Organizations will continue to do this process every time needs like these pop up instead of hiring full-time workers because their funding can't sustain additional employees. While many smaller organizations can't help but operate in this way due to financial restraints, operating in such a manner is not efficient and in fact, is somewhat wasteful of the grants they receive. As someone who has worked in the non-profit field for more than 10 years and has been involved with multiple different organizations over that time period, I have seen first-hand how projects like these have been conducted, some successful and others not.

What I would like to do is set up a business, a consulting firm of sorts, that would come in and offer campaign coordination training, help to set up and run/monitor their campaigns, and help organizations learn how to recruit, train, and maximize their volunteer resources. Although I know there are some organizations our there now that offer programs to non-profits in these areas, my business would stand out simply for the fact that I would be offering these services for FREE. I would pay for my salary and operating expenses through government and private grants.

While I know there may be some drawbacks to this new venture, I think it is something worth investigating and pursuing. 

PROS

• Doing something I love.
• Helping a lot of organizations that otherwise would not be able to implement their projects/campaigns.
• Have more control over the hours I work and the travel I do.
• Be my own boss.
• I could do the work of multiple temporary workers with my experience and ability to conduct more than one campaign at a time; therefore I would be helping to save grant money that could be provided to another group that may be in more need of it.
• Owning my own business means I would have more free time to spend with family and friends and working on personal edification.

CONS

• Owning your own business makes it tough to get health insurance.
• There is always a risk that I may not be able to sustain my funding and will need to seek additional funding.
• Depending on where my clients are located, I may have to do more travel than I want to do.

Any thoughts?