The Life I Want

I woke up one day last week and thought to myself, "what am I doing with my life?".  The sad part is that I really couldn't answer myself. I'm 28, single (again), living alone in my home with two cats (insert old maid jokes here), in a job that I both love and hate, and wondering what direction my life is heading.  I guess you could say I want the "fairy tale", but I am starting to think that lives and loves like that don't exist anymore. It's just a sham that Disney and other movie makers have come up with to give women hope that they will one day meet their Prince Charming who will "complete" them and build a life and family with them. Well, guess what, I bought it hook, line, and sinker and have been clinging to that dream since I was 4. Now that the fairy tale hasn't come true (and not from lack of trying and finding love), somehow I've let myself feel like a failure at life...It was this reality that made think about how I am living my life and what I am judging my life against.

Before you go and judge me saying I'm being a bit dramatic about things, I am by no means saying that my life is the absolute worst on the planet. There are people dying from cancer or starvation, etc., who I know are much worse off than me, but that doesn't mean that my concerns and pain should be discounted either.  I have been through a lot of traumatic situations over the last 22 years of my life, more than most people will go through their lifetime, and these situations have impacted my life in a huge way. Good or bad, I wouldn't be who I am today without them, but the person I have become lately is not who I want to be anymore.  I want a different life. I want to be different.

Over the course of the last week or so, I've started to look introspectively to find out what it is exactly I want out of life and trying to figure out what I want to change about the way things are.  Instead of just trying to find that one thing I want to change, I have decided to take a no-holds barred approach to changing my life. If I'm going to do it, I might as well go all out and really take hold of things. So here goes:

• Physical Health
• Get back to my target weight of 135lbs. 
• Get back on a regular workout routine.
• Fit back into a bikini before I hit age 30. 
• Start eating healthier and cut out junk food, soda, and candy.
• Learn to cook better food and eat more at home.
• Emotional Health
• Control my emotions better and stop taking my feelings out on others.
• Learn to manage stress better.
• Stop bottling up my feelings and talk more about what's going on in my life with those I care about. 
• Professional Life
• Find a HEALTHY work-life balance. If this means finding a new job, then maybe that's what I need to do.
• Learn to find more joy than frustration with my job.
• Take a risk and try to start a business venture this year.
• Personal Life
• Spend more time with family, especially my niece and nephew. They are growing up way too fast, and I am missing out.
• I need to learn to appreciate my friendships more and make more time for spending with them (and my family) over work.
• Get rid of toxic friendships and relationships that are bringing unwanted stress in my life.
• Take more ME time...pamper myself with manis/pedis every once in a while, take myself to the movies, read a good book, etc.
• Find something fun that I am passionate about and make a new hobby of it.
• Be open to change and new experiences.
• Try to check off some things on my "Bucket List".
• Stop focusing on how much time I have left to have kids. I need to trust that when I'm supposed to be a mom that it will happen.
• Love Life
• Stop searching for love and let love try to find me.
• Stop using dating websites to meet new men because they are a waste of my time and the quality of men on most of them leaves something to be desired.
• Stop letting men, sex, and love (or lack thereof) define my life.
• Learn to truly trust and open my heart to whatever may come my way.

Wow, after writing out this list, it seems a bit daunting, but I'm up for the challenge.  And instead of waiting until after New Year's to start on this project, I have decided to start now and will blog about my experiences.  So, for the next 365 days, I will be letting you glimpse into my life and my journey to the life I want to live now.  I hope you enjoy the ride with me - it will most certainly be a wild one!