Have you ever been to a casino and played the slot machines? You walk into a crowded casino with loud music playing, bright flashing lights, and as many different machines as the eyes can see. It takes you 10 minutes or more just to walk around and check out all of the machines to find one that peaks your interest. You finally decide to sit down and play. You keep inserting money, pulling the lever, and hoping that it will pay off. Sometimes, you can get on a great roll for a while, and you are so excited at your good fortune. Other times, it is one bad slot pull after another, so you change machines and try your luck again (and again and again). Only the truly lucky few will hit the jackpot, and of course, they become both the most hated and envied people in the room.
I don't know about you, but I think that you could change a few words here and there in the paragraph above, and it sounds just like dating and falling in love. We all have braved the dating scene at one point or another. We got all dressed up and braved the bars, pubs, and clubs in search of Mr./Miss Right (aka our slot machine). I know I have switched potential dating partners many times (sometimes even in the same night) trying my luck at finding Mr. Right. I put in a lot of time, effort, and even gave everything I had including my heart, but to no avail. At two points in my life, I thought I was lucky enough to even have hit the jackpot, but in the end, my excitement was short-lived. Instead, my gambling on love has left me completely broke (heart-broken that is).
So why do we all keep gambling on love? It is a risky endeavor, one that quite often does not have a great return on investment. Knowing the odds of finding true love and having our love last for a lifetime are not what they used to be, why do people keep putting themselves out there and trying? Divorce rates are over 50% and knowing what I do know about some married couples, I suspect if everyone who should get a divorce did, that rate would be much higher.
What is it about love that makes it worth the risk?
I know I have touted myself as a hopeless romantic, and in some respects, I think I still I am. I love hearing about love stories that work themselves out. I can't wait to watch a chick flick with a happy ending even if I've already seen it a million times. I want to believe in the ideal of finding your one true love; however, my experience with love has not been kind to me. As much as I try to say that I can overlook all the bad in my relationships and still cherish the good memories, actually executing that statement has been much tougher than I expected it would be.
What I have begun to realize after a lot of reflection on my life in general, my love life specifically, is that much like gambling can be addicting, so can trying to find love. It can consume you and drive you to the edge of your sanity. It makes you say and do things that normally sane people would not do. While sometimes these gestures can be very romantic in nature, other times, it can be the very reason that your relationship falls apart.
While I have loved several men in my life, I have truly only ever "bet the max" with two of them and taken the big risk on love. Both times, I've lost everything, and it sucks when you "zero out." The first time, it took a really long time to build up my "love bank" before I felt secure enough to gamble again. When I was finally ready to take the plunge, I thought I hit the jackpot again, but I was sorely mistaken. Although, I didn't have as much to lose this time as the first, it was still a mighty blow to my ego and to my heart.
So, while I should be trying to apply the old saying that "the third time's the charm," my logical side is screaming "cut your losses while you are still ahead" and "cash out now." I know that one of my "change checklist" items is to truly learn to trust and open my heart to whatever may come my way, but I think I am done gambling. I am so emotionally spent when it comes to romantic love that I have nothing else to gamble with. All of my "machines" have been "cold," and this losing streak is beginning to make me the same.
Instead of wasting my time gambling on love that is clearly not paying out, I should be focusing on more productive ways of spending my time. I could find more time to do things with my niece and nephew, or I could put together more game nights and nights out with my friends. If I even spend half the time that I used to trying to find love in the past on my friends and family now, then maybe my relationships with them will finally get back to what they used to be.
Once again, I need to make some adjustments to my "change checklist" and refocus my efforts. My love life is just no longer a priority. I can live the rest of my life without finding love, but I won't sacrifice my family and friends for it. I've done this for too long already, and it's time that things change. This may also mean sacrificing my chance to have a family of my own, but with current circumstances, having a family is not in the cards at this time either.
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