Ok, let me preface this with the fact that I am about to start a ranting, angry blog. I do not want this to become a regular thing on my blogspace, but I feel so angry and frustrated right now, that I need to let it out. I know I am not the only person who has been in a situation like this or who will be in the future, so I'm hoping it strikes a chord with others who can offer me some advice.
Why is it that relationships are so hard? Why can't people who genuinely care about each other make it work? Well, I may not know all the answers, but what I do know is that so many relationships, potential relationships, and single people jaded against relationships are messed up because of lying and a lack of trust. Lying in a relationship is no longer the exception, it has become the rule.
Whether it's someone lying to you about how much they love you or how much they don't, if they cheated on you or just flirted (which is still cheating), if they spent money when they shouldn't have and told you they didn't, or fill in the blank for whatever lie it is that was told, lying has become commonplace among our relationships. And for those couples that want to say their relationship is great and built on trust, well either you are like the 1% exception or you are just not being honest with yourselves about the lies that are being told (or don't want to be because of what that might mean).
Men and woman are equally guilty in this mess of lies that has become the dating world today. Men and women both cheat on their partners, although men are more likely to do so. When their partners find out about the cheating, they become hurt and distrustful of future partners despite their best efforts not to punish the new partner for an ex's mistake. But because life is about repeating itself, the odds are that a good percentage of future relationships will also end up the same way because of lying and cheating. Trust me, I know. I've been in several great relationships (or so I thought), and every single one of them has ended because of lying and cheating. Yes, I said EVERY one of them. I have not been in one relationship that didn't end up with me finding out that the man I trusted with my life and my heart cheated on me and lied to me while we were together. Yet, somehow I keep putting myself back out there trying to find love, even though it has become much tougher to trust the men I'm with and this insecurity has caused a few issues now and then.
But it's not just about the cheating. Lying about the status of your relationship is just as bad. Why is it that men can tell you they love you, make you think that things are going great with you, and then when you slip up and call them your boyfriend without first discussing it, now all of a sudden, you are being told that things are getting too serious and that love doesn't mean a relationship. WTF? Then, if love doesn't mean that you are serious about a relationship what does it mean? And why did you put yourself on a dating website indicating that you were looking for a long-term relationship if you really had no intention of committing, but only wanted to play the dating pool?
I think seeing someone at least 4 times a week, spending the night at each others' places, talking on a daily basis, spending quality time with your son together, telling me that you love me, having a key to my place, and sharing the things we did qualifies as a relationship whether you are willing to admit it/definite it. You are just scared. Man up and call it what it was, don't deny it because you have commitment issues. And don't try to push it back on me that is was all my thinking and doing. It's a cowardly prick thing to do, and you know it.
The worst part about all of this is the fact that you have the initial cheaters who hurt their partners and "ruin them" in a sense for future relationships. Once their partners have been hurt by their lies and cheating, something breaks inside them. For each person, the effect of such a betrayal is different. Some people hurt for a little while and go back out and are fine until the next time they are betrayed. Others literally break and become distrustful of future partners and can make it impossible for them to truly connect with another person because doing so means letting them in deep enough to get close to their heart, which means they can be hurt again. After being hurt that deeply, the thought that you could be vulnerable to another person again is a scary place to be.
So even if you make to my age without managing to be the one who has lied and cheated in a relationship, you are still screwed because the only people out there that are still single are using the ones who have either caused the issues in the first place or the "ruined" partners who are gun shy about relationships because of course, you are going to be no different than their previous partners. We all have some degree of "ruin" hanging over us as we dive into the trenches of the dating world. I'll be the first to admit that I am cautious of men telling me how much they care about me and trusting that they aren't out there cheating on me while I'm at home thinking about them. It's happened too many times for me to not be cautious, and I guess given my history, my intuition has proved me right every time.
But why do I keep putting myself out there? What's the point anymore? I honestly tried to give up dating for good and had for several years. I resorted to just allowing myself to be a friend with benefits to satisfy my needs, but I couldn't commit emotionally anymore. My ex-fiance broke me in a way I honestly wasn't sure I could fix, yet somehow I was still in love with him. I tried to rationalize it all away, telling myself that I could look past the cheating and the lying because what we had 98% of the time was worth so much more than the 2% that was crappy. I turned myself inside out trying to change myself because obviously something had to be wrong with me because he cheated. I pined away for more than a year, begging and pleading with him to come back and give me another chance, but in the end he decided he liked his life of freedom more than what we had shared together for 6 years. [Ironically, shortly after that decision, he got tied down into a lack of freedom when his party girlfriend got knocked up. Classic karma at its best...]
After 3 years of off and on again celibacy and friends with benefits, I finally decided that I should try to date again. The lifestyle I had been living wasn't healthy mentally or emotionally for me anymore, and it was leading to a self-destructive place in my life that I really didn't want to me. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of great nights and memories and stories that I could tell you that would put Tucker Max to shame, but I was just not enjoying it the way I used to, so I knew it was time to stop.
The idea of dating again was scary, and honestly, I wasn't really sure I should get back into dating. I could barely even say the word "date" without choking up at the thought of what that meant...I would be letting go of what I shared and still wanted with my ex fiance. I would have to start a life over with someone new, someone who wasn't my soul mate and the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I felt stuck in place with one shoe stuck to the ground and the other trying to move forward, but in the end I was just being pulled in two different directions with my heart. I had convinced myself that I wasn't deserving of love from someone other than my fiance. I was too broken to be able to offer anything to anyone, but being alone year in and year out was starting to take a toll on me as well.
To break the stalemate, I posted a couple ads up on dating websites and tested the waters. There were not too many prospects that popped to the front of the pack, so I started give up on the idea quickly. Then someone contacted me and wanted to talk, but I ignored his request for a few weeks because at first I didn't think he would be a good match. He persisted, and I finally gave in. We started dating early in the year and things seemed to go pretty well for a while until I started to notice some things about him that I didn't care for including his sexist jokes, the way he talked to me when we disagreed on things always making me feel like somehow the fault for our arguments rested completely on me, his criticism of what I posted on my AIM statuses, and finally his lack of honesty about wanting to really date and find a long-term partner. So, after about 3 months, I finally decided to call it quits and had moved on to dating a couple other guys, but again, no luck there. The sad part is that I kept thinking about him and had fallen in love with him while we were together, yet once again, I chose to overlook the bad qualities because I saw much more between us. The connection I felt with him was one that I didn't think I could feel again, and that was both a scary and exciting prospect.
A couple months after we split, he came back into my life with an opportunity to get involved with his business. Hesitantly I said yes, but deep down I knew I wanted the opportunity to expand my resume and of course, I still was in love with him. Well, our business partnership flourished while we kept things business only for awhile, but inevitably, we fell back into things with us and next thing I know we are dating again. This time around was so much better and the issues that we seemed to have before didn't appear to be problematic this time, or so I thought. Once again, the commitment issue sprung it's ugly head. Only this time, I got a bit more insight into why.
Of course, when he was married, he had issues with his wife and because of their relationship, he is completely jaded and cynical about relationships. He had even cheated on her when they were together (should have been a red flag for me, but again...I am too forgiving and understanding), yet what ensued with their relationship was her fault and caused him to be cautious of all women. So even though I gave him NO reason to be cautious with me (I mean he had me stay the night with him on our second date and his son was there that night also), he still kept me at arms length when it came to labeling our relationship. As described above, he got ALL of the benefits of a relationship but wouldn't call it what it was. What astounds me is WHY he even started dating in the first place if this is how he was going to approach the relationship...
I am no angel and will never pretend to be otherwise. I know I have my fair share of insecurities about relationships and have caused many an argument over them; however, I have never entered into a dating relationship without the intent of trying to find someone that I can share my life with. But after dating each other for a combined total of 7 months and getting to know each other over the course of a year's time, you should know whether you plan to pursue something serious with the other person. And to carry on a relationship and asking for more time to figure out where things are going is mean. Making me feel bad about caring about him as much as I did and for "pushing" things with us is just downright cruel. THIS IS WHY WOMEN START TO HATE MEN AND MEN RUIN WOMEN FOR THE GOOD MEN IN THE WORLD.
So, of course, all of this came to a major head right when our business efforts were about to pay off, and we had a major argument that pretty much put the nail in the coffin in our relationship. In the end, I got used for his business gain, I sacrificed a major part of myself and who I am for him and his business, and he blamed me for why things went awry. Once again, the fault is all mine because I am the woman in the relationship who as he says "takes everything he says puts it through a filter and processes as I see fit". Well, you know what, I'm not the only one that has seen and heard what he has said to me, and while I know there were things I wanted to believe were true about things with us, this relationship did not fall apart because of me. He was the jerk who led me on, used me, lied to me about what was going on with us, abandoned me when I needed him the most, and oh yeah, apparently was seeing someone else on the side while we were together this second time...and probably the first time, too (found that juicy bit of news out after we stopped seeing each other).
Once again, a relationship that on paper should have been great is once again ruined because of lying, distrust, and betrayal. Surprise, surprise...when are people going to realize that what they do and say has an effect on others? You aren't just hurting that person. You hurt their families who care about them. You hurt their friends who have to console them. You hurt their future partners who will have to learn to overcome their insecurities to see their beauty within and learn to love them or lose out on the chance of having a great relationships because they just could not get past their relationship/commitment issues. THIS IS WHY THE DIVORCE RATE IS OVER 50% AND WHY IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE THAT LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS REALLY CAN LAST A LIFETIME ANYMORE.
Is there really such a thing as true love anymore? Or should we be striving for a 98% love, 75% love, a 50% love? Right now, I really don't know what the answer is. I have always been a hopeless romantic. I want to believe in love, which is why I think it's hard for me to completely give up, but my life experience tells me otherwise. At what point do you finally say, I'm settling for what I really don't want because I can't find anything better out there? When do you finally say, I want to find someone to share my life with and build a family with even if I know that this relationship is flawed? When do you finally sell your soul for an ounce of happiness instead of the lifetime that you wanted?
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