My Vajayjay Wants to Scream!

Ok, so for those of you who don't know already, I have battled with cervical dysplagia (aka pre-cervical cancer) for almost 5 years now.  Well, back in August I was told that my dysplagia was back (AGAIN) and that I should come in for a colposcopy (aka biopsy with NO anesthetic). Well, I don't know about you, but the fact that I have been getting no less than 3 pap smears a year and have had 4 colposcopies and 1 LEEP (aka surgery with a an electric "cheese slicer"-looking thing that cuts out sections of the cervix while you are awake and only get a shot of epinephrine as a numbing agent - or 2 in my case- which is not good for someone with a heart arrhythmia), I wasn't exactly thrilled about going in for another biopsy. I talked with the doctor and asked if I could put it off because in all honestly, I was tired of having my vajayjay poked, prodded, cut up, and pissed off. He said ok, and we waited.

Well, then I got pregnant (yes, you are reading this correctly). This is the first time I'm publicly acknowledging it because it's been a very tough couple of months, and I'm finally at a point where I feel I need to share my story, if not for my own cathartic release, then maybe for someone else who is dealing with a similar situation. Only a select few knew I was pregnant at the time because this was not a planned pregnancy, nor a wanted pregnancy by my partner. He wanted me to terminate the pregnancy and in fact, used our "relationship" as leverage to convince me that I shouldn't have this baby. When I chose to have the baby, he abandoned me, and in the end, I lost the baby.

So between my past history, the pregnancy, losing the baby, my severe post-miscarriage bleeding, the infection I got, and everything else under the sun, the doctor told me I could no longer wait on the biopsy. They had strong concerns about everything and wanted me in as soon as possible, and today was that day.

Let me just tell you, if you have never had this procedure done before, it is a tough experience to describe. Now, I know women who have had this and said it's almost as bad as natural child birth, but I am not sure I would go that far...It is awful for sure, and the thought of having to sit in the stirrups and go through this immediately caused my vagina to close up and put out a sign that says "closed for the holidays". 

For the guys who don't have a lovely womb like us women, let me put it in a way that you can understand it. It's pretty close to having a catheter inserted in your penis, sliding a little metal pippet with a claw at the end up the catheter and taking out tiny pieces of your prostate with absolutely NO numbing agents or pain killers. Sounds delightful, doesn't it? Now, trying having one of these things every 6-9 months like clockwork and try to tell me that women can't take pain like men can!

Ok, now back to today's story...

So, as if the biopsy wasn't enough, I also had some other issues to deal with, and the doctor and I played the game of "spin the wheel" for what tests we were going to throw in on top of the lovely biopsy. First, I had to take another pregnancy test because my hormone levels were still coming back funky after the miscarriage.  He wanted to make sure that even though I've had 2 blood tests and an ultrasound that I wasn't still harboring unwanted pregnancy tissue.  Thank goodness that was negative. One problem down!

Then, he wanted to check out a mole on my leg that didn't look so hot to me. Thankfully, he decided not to remove it (for now), but I have to keep an eye on it.

Next, he decided to check me for another infection because I told him something wasn't right, and I could tell. I already had one infection from the miscarriage, and I just didn't feel like I really healed. He told me everything looked fine, but would swab and see. Sure enough, he comes back and says "don't ever mess with a woman who knows her body." Damn straight! Although, this was not something I wanted to be right about, so I'm back on antibiotics AGAIN!  I have been on 5 different antibiotics since October (aka why I got pregnant in the first place). 

Finally, the procedure we were all waiting for...the colposcopy.  So, it's never fun to have ducklips (aka speculum) inserted, but thankfully my doctor uses the plastic ones. There are : 1) less heavy and don't pull on you, 2) never cold - nothing worse than cold ducklips that make you tense up more, and 3) pinch less often.   I am still not quite healed from my miscarriage and the previous infection, so just even having something like that inside me was painful enough. But using the good ducklips aside, my vajayjay knew what was coming and wanted to scream! She was cursing at me the whole way to the doctor's office and threw a temper tantrum in the waiting room because she knew what was about to happen again.

Honestly, I didn't blame her one bit, and frankly I was not in the greatest of moods either.  I even snapped at the receptionist because they wanted me to fill out some stupid piece of paper with my medical history. Really? WTF? I've had like 10 visits there this year alone, and you want me to fill out stupid fucking paper with my medical history. Open the damn chart and take a look...I was just in here two weeks ago.  I started to fill it out grudgingly, and then my name was called.  The nurse could tell I was annoyed, but tried to explain that they were using a new system and wanted to get all of the proper records in. I gave her "the look", and she said "you know what, why don't you just not fill it out this time. I know what you are here for. When you come in for your 'annual' next year, you can fill it out then."  Smart woman...I was literally one question away from murdering someone. Asking someone who is about to have parts of their cervix cut out to fill out a stupid piece of paper is not the brightest idea.

Sparing you all the not so fun details, the procedure went ok, but my vajayjay is still pissed at me. The doctor found two areas he was not liking. One area is a low grade area that he described as having a "krispy kreme texture" and that we will keep an eye on it, but nothing to get overly worried about right now.  (By the way, I will never be able to eat a glazed doughnut again). The other area, though, he was a little concerned about. He was cracking a joke about something and before I realized it, he started cutting. Damn...a little warning would have been nice. I know it only lasted about 30 seconds, but for those few seconds I thought he was trying to kill me. After it was all said and done, he had about 6 lovely little pieces to send off to the lab for testing, and I should know the results next week.  While he said he saw nothing that (and I quote) "makes me think you are going to drop dead tomorrow from cancer", it doesn't mean that I am in the clear until the results come back. So, now I wait...

...and while I wait I get to enjoy the lovely "phantom cutting feelings" that periodically pop up while I'm doing stuff. My vajayjay is punishing me for making her go through this again by making me relive the experience when she feels like it. Usually, she settles down after a couple days and forgives me. Hopefully, she will get over it quick, or at least the vodka at NYE will make her forget. :)

Moral of the story: I don't like going to the Vajayjay doctor because no matter how much progress I seem to be making, I know that it's a matter of time before the other shoe drops and I will have to come back in for more testing, poking, and prodding; however, I still go! As someone who has seen too many people in my family die from cancer (or almost die), I refuse to let cells go unchecked. Do I enjoy these appointments? Hell no! Are they necessary? Yes!  So for those of you who skip their appointments because they don't want to take the time, are scared of the pap smear or prostate/testicle exam, or aren't sure you can afford it, suck it up and do it! And if you can't afford it, there are many places that will work with you for payment plans and/or offer free screenings. If my vajayjay and cervix can go through this crap a few times a year, you can surely drag your ass into the doctor's office once a year and get your annual screening. 

Second moral of the story: If you are a woman under the age of 25 or have young daughters, PLEASE get them vaccinated with the HPV vaccine. I got it, but unfortunately, I got it too late. I had already been previously exposed to HPV by my lying, cheating fiance.  The doctors and I hoped that the strain I had been exposed to was a benign type that would just go away like most of them do, but unfortunately, that wasn't the case, and the vaccine proved ineffective for me. You do not want to risk ending up being in my shoes.  These procedures are painful, can cost you a lot of money over time, and my ability to have children is clearly being called into question because of my history.  Unfortunately, most men will not know that they have HPV because they don't show symptoms, and you can't always rely that your partner has been safe with previous partners and/or won't cheat on you. You have to protect yourself.